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10.9.15

Life and the End of my 20's.

Tomorrow I turn 30. It seems like a really big deal. 30 feels like a real "grown up" age. Like it's time to really knuckle down and be that adult that you have to now be.

My 20's have been cool.  I've spend the whole of my 20's married, I had jobs that I loved, jobs that I hated, I tried hard to have a relationship with my dad which I was then able to realise wasn't worth trying for anymore. 

I suffered a lot with mental health and as much as a suffered, I fought too. In fact, I fought really bloody hard.
I battled with my body putting on weight, losing weight.
My body treated me to two pregnancies and allowed me to feed these two beautiful boys for as long as I wanted/needed.

I made friends, I lost friends, and I found the most amazing friends who I am confident will be in my life forever.

I visited some amazing countries and had the best experience of my life at the Isle of Man TT this year. Spending 5 days with one of the most important people in my life.

And this year. Unexpectedly, I changed. Not in a negative way. But it was almost like I found myself. I found a confidence I didn't know I had. I found bravery that I would never have expected to have.
I found this woman that all of a sudden quite liked motorbikes and appreciated everything about them. A woman who thought she would never even consider getting a tattoo and ended up with 3 and a PINTEREST board full of future ideas for more.

There were consequences with this change though. And as a result I grew apart from someone who was a big part of my 20's. The person who made it possible for me to be a housewife, who made those children possible, who paid for those holidays and chances to explore other countries.
There came that moment when I realised that I didn't want to go into my 30's pretending everything was OK anymore. It had been a long time coming I suppose and 2 weeks ago we seperated.
I am ok. I am scared of what is to come but I am ok. 

A weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and his too I would imagine, and as we learn how to now navigate through this chapter of our lives I actually feel stronger than ever.
It's funny how you discover so much about yourself and those around you when you go through something like this. 

You wake up to how amazing your friends are and let me tell you, my friends are the best there ever was. Their support has been overwhelming. As has the support from my family, my mum in particular.

I remind myself that as scary as this may be, I'll be OK. Because people go through these things. I'm not suffering. I'm not pretending everything is OK with us anymore. We don't have to wonder what the other one is thinking or question the other ones feelings anymore.
We can be civil, and maybe be friends for the sake of our children at least.

Tomorrow is going to be OK. 

Tomorrow, as I turn 30, I am looking forward to the future. I am looking forward to realising just how strong and grown up I can be. 

I am looking forward to celebrating my birthday with my best friend and then having an evening with an even bigger group of friends.
I'm looking forward to heading into my 30's and to discover more about the person I have become and am continuing to become. Who I've had to keep hidden a little and to maybe not let blossom as much as she wanted to in fear that it wasn't the right thing to do. 

I can't stop her though. I can't not be myself for the sake of other people, even if the consequences are not what I expected in life.
Things happen for a reason I suppose.

But one thing I am sure of, and confident of, is that the me I have changed in to, the one I have become and am still becoming. She is a good, better, updated version of me.
And I like her. I actually like her.
That always felt like a big thing for me, to say I like myself. But right now, I do.

My 20's have been wonderful and I saw them in as a married woman.
I now see in my 30's as a single woman. I don't like the term single mum. I don't want to combine my relationship status with that role. It doesn't seem right.

I can do this. Everything will be OK. And although this isn't how I envisaged seeing in my 30's, it is how life has turned out and I'm alright with that.

Life is far too short to hold back and I'm ready to grab whatever happiness and experience I can and live the best life I can for me.

It won't be easy I'm sure.
But in the end....it will all be OK.