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13.9.15

The "I'm OK" Head Bob.

Do you remember that scene in Friends, where Richard tells Monica about his divorce? Season 2, episode 15 apparently. He explains how people do a head tilt when they ask if he is ok, and he responds with a head bob and a "yeah, I'm ok".



I always loved that scene...ok mainly for Tom Selleck but still, I thought it was rather funny. And now, I kind of love it more.
I'm in the middle of sorting my stuff out. Being strict with myself and throwing out anything I really don't need. Packing up clothes I'm unlikely to grab for on a day to day basis to send to my mums to hang in her spare wardrobe (yeah I know, SPARE wardrobe?!) until things are sorted and I know where I will be living and whatever.
So, anyway. Now that the separation is out there, and by out there I mean we've done the whole Facebook announcement which obviously makes it like proper official. I wonder if in a few years time the decree absolute will be abolished and the change of a Facebook relationship status will be enough to confirm someone's divorce?!

When you get engaged people expect a standard reaction...tears, smiles, squeals, Towards the end of a pregnancy we expect the standard "I am fed up" comments from the mother to be. And when it comes to a separation people do seem to expect a standard response. They expect tears, a sad face, maybe a sob story or a story of how the person involved didn't see it coming, some kind of story that could be potential school run gossip.

The head tilt is a thing. It is an actual thing. A thing that people do a lot. And following the "I'm ok" head bob, the head tilt again and then, the head bob. 
As someone who is open and honest about most things, especially things like this I suppose, I do get a bit funny when it is assumed that I am not ok. 
When it comes to something like this, it isn't a spur of the moment decision...like "LET'S BOOK A LAST MINUTE HOLIDAY! OH, AND AT THE SAME TIME SHOULD WE GET A DIVORCE?!". 
There was months of confusion, sadness, confusion, hurt and more confusion. And deciding to actually go through with that conversation wasn't easy, but was necessary. 
Before that conversation, I wasn't ok. I felt like I was living a lie. I wasn't being myself. I wasn't being true to the person who I always promised I would be honest too. 
I couldn't live any more pretending that this is the life I want and the life that I am happy with.

We didn't live as a married couple for a while. And that is sad. But, we just simply grew apart. 
I tried to "fix it" and to "snap out of it" and tried to be the person I was before. The wife I was last year, or two years ago, but I realised she was gone and to try and be her again was a lie. 
The person I am now, this confidence, this need for a social life. This person who kind of craves freedom.
And as hard as it was to make that step to say "this isn't right, neither or us should be going through this", and to potentially hurt the person I once thought I would spend my life with, I know it would have been harder to spend every day together avoiding the issue. And it would have hurt us both more. 

I have received the most incredible support from those around me the last 2 weeks. It's been quite overwhelming and hard to deal with really.
I messaged a friend today to thank her and admitted that before, I hadn't appreciated her as much as I do now. Because in these times you really do find out who your friends are. You find out who you can trust, who you can't, who is there for you and supports you and who doesn't.

This is scary. It is tiring. And I'm sure there will be days when it seems like a battle.
But.
I'm ok.
I really am ok.