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4.9.15

The Replacement

When my dad left us I worried about how my brother would take it, more than how I would. Despite it always being me and my dad as part of a team and my mum and my brother, I couldn't help but to think that a boy needs his dad, a male role model and a male figure there for him.
It's all a bit of a haze now. We both reacted in different ways and other things that happened around that time made it hard for me to see how my brother was coping.

When it came to my wedding I wanted my brother to walk me down the aisle, but it would have caused too much of an issue so it didn't happen.
I will never forget him getting one of my favourite songs on at the reception so he could dance with me. I was singing along to the song, Jessica Simpson "With You" and I remember him clearly telling me not to sing.

I have so many wonderful, special memories with him that just keep being added to over and over and he truly is one of the most important person in my life.

This past week has been the first time in almost 2 years, since I completely cut contact with my dad, that I have missed having someone in that role.
Someone to give me that feeling of protection, support and to be my strength. And just to tell me they love me and that they are there for me.
I realised pretty soon, that it wasn't my dad I missed. It was that role, but not necessarily him.
I have someone who replaced him, who took on that role without needing to. Who became head of our family, and is that strong male figure we need.

My brother. And right now, I miss him more than I ever have done.
This year, with the memories we made and the fact we have got closer due to him now sharing his passion of the TT and motorbikes in general with me,
I feel like we are closer than ever, despite not being close in terms of distance. But the distance right now, is breaking my heart.
I just want to sit in a room with him. We don't have to talk. We don't have to acknowledge each other. But just being there, that's all I need.

My mum came home yesterday from a meal out with a friend, and walked in to find me watching the Classic TT on ITV4. I joked that it must be like having my brother there.
And then I burst into tears. Because I just want him here.
My twin and my best friend.
The replacement. The man who fills the role of dad, that strong male role in my life.

He may not agree with everything I do in my life, he may be super protective, he may find me annoying most of the time. He may be grumpy and I may feel like he doesn't want me to talk to him sometimes.

But in the hardest of times, it's his arms I want to wrap round me to say that I will be ok. It's his acceptance that I need.
He is everything to me. And always will be.