So it's been over a month since we officially split up. To be honest, as I've said before it has been a long time coming and as a result I think we are both happy and comfortable in moving on and dating.
I don't know, or want to know, what his thoughts and opinions are on what he wants. But for me, I don't know, I'm not initially looking for something serious.
I'm not desperate to get a boyfriend, and to find my next husband.
However, I feel like I'm in need of someone to be there. For company, cuddles, kisses. Just hanging out together and enjoying each others company. Getting to know each other without pressure or commitment or demands.
I mean, it's silly of me to say that it wouldn't be somewhere I would want that kind of "relationship" to end up. To me, a gradual progression of friendship into relationship is kind of what I would like I think. No pressure and almost the guarantee that that person really does like you because they've got to know you for you and liked you so much for that that they wanted to move the friendship on.
I'm quite strict in terms of wanting to keep my "mum" role seperate from anyone who I may meet. I don't feel it is fair or right to introduce anyone to the boys so soon after their parents split, and when we have so much going on with the house moves when they happen and life adjustments there.
I wouldn't hide the fact I am a mum obviously. But I feel it's fair, for me, that someone gets to know me as me before they get to see that parent side too.
The scariest thing for me I think will be eventually when it comes to....taking any friendship or relationship to the next level...ok yeah...sex. I'm talking about sex...and for someone to see the evidence on my body that I am a mum. To see the tummy that grew two children and is marked and not at all toned.
To see the breasts that I've never liked anyway, other than loving them for feeding my children, but in terms of appearance...they let me down massively.
And the rest of my body which is a clear advert for the fact that I have had a shocking diet and haven't looked after myself at all.
In clothes it's fine. I can make my bum look quite good in a tight pencil skirt, I know how best to make my legs look good and how to make my tummy hidden, my breasts look rounder and a maybe a tiny bit bigger. I'm able to confidently talk to a man, and parade myself I suppose without too much fear of being judged or of disappointing anyone.
This was never a big deal before. My body. Because I lived by the rule that my husband had no right to complain about my body because the results were down to me growing his two children. And I also decided that if he wasn't happy with my body then he could find someone else...
I can't have that attitude when it comes to another man.
I can have the attitude of "I grew my children. Don't like it then go and find someone else" but I don't want that attitude. I want to be confident. To be able to fake it (the confidence, nothing else) at least.
There is a part of me that is looking forward to those exciting early stages with someone else. Even if it leads to nothing and fizzles out for whatever reason.
And although I accept that we all have body hang ups, I feel that as a mum I feel more self conscious than ever before.
And almost kind of competitive. I feel like I have to prove I am good enough for whoever I may see, date or hang out with. And with the decision to want to find someone around my own age for now it's incredibly hard because they obviously have the option of women in their 20's. Women whose bodies may not have birthed children...because let's face it, there are other areas on our bodies that are affected due to childbirth and I have no idea if, to a man, it is noticeable or if it feels....nice and....normal. Yeah there...I said it...I went too far. But it's something that I'm pretty sure we all worry about!
For so long I've felt like I couldn't really talk about sex. And I am someone who is quite open and honest about that kind of thing and as I'm now single I feel like it's important to talk about it. To get advice from other women who have been in this situation, and to even eventually be able to give advice to women who find themselves in this situation too.
I'm not going to lie, a new sex life, or at least the idea of it, is exciting but being really self conscious and worrying about the body image pressures as well as the other pressures and emotions that go along with sex, can't help but to make me feel quite apprehensive of it.
Not that it's something I am planning on doing asap of course. But it is something that will happen at some point...at least I hope it will.