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20.10.15

Undesirable

I don't regret my decision to end my marriage. It was the right thing to do and I am happier for it.
I feel like a weight is lifted from my shoulders and I feel like I can now be me. Or at least allow myself to grow to who I am supposed to be without being confined or without feeling like I need to consider how someone else views me too. And the person they want me to be.

I'm happy. I'm confident in my decision and in myself.
And I feel that I am ready to put myself out there and meet people. When I say people we clearly know I mean men.

To some it might seem soon. Only 2 months split from a 10 year marriage but when there have been months of feeling disconnected, and leading seperate lives, it's not really too soon at all.
And we all cope differently.
I'm not on a husband hunt.
I want to meet someone who likes me. Who thinks I am cute. Someone who wants to spend time with me, who values me and who respects me.

I think I have a lot going for me. It might seem like an egotistical thing to say. But I do.
I am a nice person. I like to think I am fun and funny. And that I'm a good person to have around.
As well as other stuff too.

But I can't help but to feel undesirable too.
Being a mum seems to be a big deal. And I get that. It's a big part of my life and they are a big responsibility. However, I'm not looking for someone who would take them on immediately. Or even meet them any time soon.
I want my own life, seperate to them whilst they are with their dad...or even when they are asleep in bed. To have someone come round to snuggle up to as we watch a film together or just sit and talk with a glass of wine or cup of tea.
Getting a divorce, it's not exactly the most attractive or appealing thing to a man surely.
Despite the fact that my divorce would never be a topic of conversation because I don't want to bring anyone into it or make it anyone else's issue, instead wanting to find someone who can take my mind away from it, and to distract me, I know that it must be totally off putting to anyone who would possibly be interested in me other than that.

When I think of those things, and of what it must look like from the outside, I can't help but to feel totally undesirable.
To seem as though I am this nice girl who comes with a whole tonne of baggage. Even though this is not the case.

I want my own life. I want the life that I've tried to have for a while.
When I can be Lauren, and no one else.
When I can finally feel like a human, and like someone who matters to other people.
To feel like someone people (particularly a man) may want in their life.
To be someone who is on someone's mind for a good reason. Someone who is thought about.

This situation may not be perfect. But I am determined to feel positive and to get through it the best I can.
Whether I am desirable or not.