Online dating is...interesting. I think my opinions change on it every day really.
Sometimes it feels a bit...enclosed. It feels like there is you, in the middle, of this small crowd and they are bombarding you and trying to get at you and you don't know where to turn or how to kindly ask them to leave and not bother you.
Some take the hint at your silence, and just walk away. Others hang around and keep trying. You politely decline, or engage in small everyday chit chat (weather, work, why you are single) and let it fizzle out.
It can give you an ego boost, when people compliment you on your photos or just want to talk to you. Even if you're not interested in them. But it can also knock your confidence when you look at the people who are messaging you and you think "Surely I deserve a little better than that".
There are the ones you see and swoon over and then forget about because they are way out of your league.
Then there are times when those men, the ones you think are way out of your league, message you. You "play along", knowing that soon enough they'll realise and messages will stop. Or you accept that they don't care who they talk to, they just want to ego boost too and actually have no intentions of meeting you or taking anything further.
I guess one of the big rules when it comes to online dating is to not get your hopes up.
Being behind a computer screen or behind a phone gives us all the chance to be whoever we want.
We can have some added confidence, sass, humour.
We can be a bit more talkative, we can hide information, we can have time to think before we answer any questions. All of these are not so easy with a face to face meeting.
I've always been someone who gets their hopes up in a lot of aspects of life. I suppose because I trust people too easily, and I kind of want people to be as sincere as me.
I think when it comes to online dating I'm a bit different to others. If I am interested in someone I can't have conversations elsewhere.
Even if it comes to nothing and doesn't even get to the dating stage, I like to focus on that one person.
When a date is mentioned by someone you believe is out of your league you can't help but to think "Wait, what?! This is a joke right? Have they seen my photos? How can they like me or be interested enough in me to want to meet?"
For someone to want to meet you and go on a date, well, it's quite lovely really. But when that person is, to you, out of your league, you can't help but to wonder how you got so lucky.
At least this is how it is for me.
I obviously remind myself to not get my hopes up. And those self doubt thoughts come in strong.
I think about how it will most probably be a one off. Hell, he might even do a runner halfway into the date or even as soon as he see's me.
I remind myself that there could be a chance that someone could like me. Or be interested in me.
Even if it goes nowhere, the fact that someone see's my photos and wants to know more. The fact that someone actually puts in effort to have a conversation and to get to know me. And feels like I am worth their time. Well....it's really quite nice.
It's an ego boost and although I feel insecure and have those feelings of self doubt, I know that deep down, maybe I need to ignore those feelings and accept that one day, maybe, just maybe, someone might want me in their life again.
For me, to have someone accept that I have children and to accept that my situation isn't ideal at the moment in terms of getting a divorce, is a bit overwhelming. So often I've found that people back off when you say about having children because it's "not ideal for them" or get put off by the divorce because they believe that there is still a chance you could get back together (not the case with us at all).
For someone to see past that is lovely, despite the fact I then put pressure on myself to make sure that I'm worth a chance.
Because really, I am a nice girl, I have a kind heart, and despite my insecurities maybe, just maybe, others see the good in me anyway. Without me having to prove it.