30.12.15

A Lonely One

I didn't expect Christmas time to be as hard as it has been.
Thankfully I've had work to distract me but in the evenings...that's the hardest time.
When on Boxing Day I can't even find one friend to socialise with because, quite rightly, everyone has plans. Plans with their family, their partner, with other friends.
As it came to the end of the working day and I said bye to two of my closest work friends I felt my eyes tingle. My heart felt heavy. I knew that the evening was going to be hard and that tears were inevitable.

I drove another colleague home, got in and went straight upstairs. The boys were with their dad so making sure I at least did one thing to take my mind off what I was expecting I had a sort out in my bedroom whilst I ran a bath, listened to my (pretty amazing if I do say so myself) "current favs" spotify list and opened up the bottle of Prosecco still waiting in it's Christmas bag.
I poured it into my "Mines a Large One" glass and then....distruction.

It didn't take long for me to get rid of the contents of that bottle, and to start on another.
And before I knew it I was messaging friends and sending videos to another drunk friend and.....yeah.....the night was OK but I constantly had that knowledge of how desperate, sad and lonely I was.
How desperate, sad and lonely I am.

Tonight, the boys are again with their dad and I am starting the wind down to bed to prepare for a day at work tomorrow.
I have to wash and dry my hair and I just don't want to.
I know that tomorrow everyone will be excitedly preparing to see in the New Year with friends and loved ones and there will be me...seeing it in alone.
The boys will be back with me, but asleep in their beds.
There's not really much new there to be honest. For years my soon-to-be-ex-husband would head to bed early leaving me to see in the New Year alone. I guess part of me hoped this year would be different. That maybe I could shake off the crappy feeling of New Year by celebrating it with friends, a friend, or someone special.
And again, I'll listen out for the fireworks and hear car horns bib, the odd cheer from people outside as I sit and dry my eyes.

This might have been the best decision, but it's a lonely one.
A really lonely one.

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11.12.15

What Am I Capable Of?

I don't know how I'm doing with this whole single parenting thing.
I feel as though I am gliding through it and that really the full on hard work hasn't yet started.
I've had my mum to rely on, and the boys dad has them quite regularly so I've been quite lucky to not be in the "their dad only has them every other weekend" situation.

It's been hard because of the situation we were in. Being a housewife meant I had no income to rely on, I couldn't just up and leave, and neither could the boys dad.
I know I made the right decision for us, but in terms of the situation we were in it wasn't ideal.
I stayed at my mums for half of the week, the other half sleeping on the sofa. I struggled to feel at home in my own home. I couldn't relax and felt lost.

I searched for jobs and applied for ones I wanted to do, and then felt desperate and pretty much applied for everything. But with the current climate and having hundreds of people going for one job I only had 2 interviews, until I then had the interview that pretty much made me feel like life isn't so bad right now.

Having the job I love, and enjoying it, being able to be Lauren, making friends, switching off from mum-mode and "getting a divorce" mode has been just what I needed. But when it comes to walking out of the doors and towards my car I go back to that mode where I question exactly what I am capable of.
Am I being the best mummy I can be to my boys? Well, I guess so. But I know I can do better. So much better.
We had 2 weeks of just us. This was at the same time that I started my job and thankfully my boss was super supportive and let me work around school drop offs and pick ups. And although he was supportive I felt as though I was already being hard work. Traffic problems meant I was late for my first and second day, only by a couple of minutes but still....crying to my boss on my second day of work wasn't exactly the highlight of my life and the impression I wanted to give.
I worried that I would be sent home for letting him down. I worried that I would lose this chance I had been given because I wasn't capable of getting to work on time.
But I made up for that, I think. I hope. And the fact I love my job and so early on feel incredibly passionate about what I do, who I work for, and who I work with, means that I will constantly try to prove how capable I am.

But being a mummy isn't as easy. Of course I feel passionate about my role as a mummy and I want to do the very best I can to bring the boys up to be the best people they can be. And I guess as we came to the end of those 2 weeks of just us when the boys dad went to on holiday (booked before our split, I was fine about it!) I felt a sigh of relief that we survived. That I survived.
But with things going downhill every now and then, not always due to me though I must add,  I wonder just how capable I am.

I question whether or not I am doing this whole"mummy" thing right because people don't automatically assume I am a mum. Or believe me when I say I have children.
Is there something I am doing wrong to not be giving out this "mum-vibe" when I am not with my children?

I am working lots over Christmas, and as I sent the dates over to the boys dad I wondered if this is giving off a bad impression to everyone?
It's Christmas time and I am going to work, and not spending every moment with my children.
And there are a number of reasons for this.
1. Money. I need money. Working will give me that money. Simple.
2. Distraction. For a couple of reasons, when I am at work I am Lauren, and I am this different person. I don't have those stresses I do at home. I get to do my job, and as long as I do what is expected of me and have fun at the same time then I am doing it right. And when I am at home I just want to hide away in my bedroom. I don't like sitting in the lounge. The sofa was my bed for too long and the lounge was this room I slept in and kind of felt a prisoner in. So now I guess I have these negative feelings around it.
3. Escape. For the same reasons as 2. I don't have to worry about anything other than doing my job.
4. I think I can confidently say I am capable of doing my job. There are obviously things I can't do but as I've only really been there just over a month and have been in my role for less than that then it's excusable.
5. We don't have a Christmas tree. The reason for this is because of the kitten and the boys have accepted that but still....I can't help but feel like a bad mum for not having a tree up for Christmas. To me, our house isn't Christmassy. I've done my best and put some lights up, Charles put tinsel wherever he wanted to and we have some pretty decorations on our coffee table and window sill but the lack of tree is really obvious, to me at least. And I kind of feel that if the boys dad has a tree, then they are best off with him for a while so that they can feel Christmassy and have the Christmas that a 4 and 6 year old deserve.

I took this photo back when their dad was on holiday, and need to remind myself of how I felt back then. That maybe I won't always be capable of giving them everything they need. But as long as I am confident and love them, then that's the most important thing.

"My team <3 font="">
First full week of solo parenting. Done. We are all still alive, no serious injuries and I haven't needed to turn to alcohol to get me through.
It's been tough but I did it, and I'm confident it will get better"
 
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4.12.15

Five Things | Songs for My 2015 Soundtrack

This year has been full on, dramatic, with lots of highs...in fact one of the highest highs of my life, and a few lows. I don't know about you, but I find that songs and music play a big part in my life. They are my therapy when I need my head to be anywhere else other than where it is. I look out for words which sum up how I am feeling, in fact, sometimes it feels like the words look out for me as these songs just seem to appear as if I needed them. Even if at the time I didn't realise it.


Sigma : Changing


Bastille : Sleepsong


Demi Lovato : Confident


Sia : Elastic Heart


Sia : Burn The Pages

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