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28.2.16

Can We Talk About Men?

I've always been really open and honest on my blog. I've never held back when talking about mental health or any other aspects of my life if I've felt it necessary to share.
And then my separation happened and I just hit this wall where writing about things felt wrong. Not because of it being personal. My "husband" agreed that it was OK for me to write about it if I needed to because he knew how much it helps me. I wouldn't write about it without his consent.
But I think I felt stuck because all of a sudden  I didn't fit into this "ideal" when it comes to bloggers, or to the community I felt I belonged to and was part of.
I wouldn't be blogging about those perfect family days out, I wouldn't be taking family portraits featuring both parents. I wouldn't be talking about our plans for the future, or sharing Instagram photos of what an evening looked like in our house once the boys went to bed.
I wouldn't be going to blogging events and hoping my husband would get on well with other bloggers husbands. I wouldn't be sharing the gifts we exchanged at Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mothers Day, Father's Day and for birthdays.
I wouldn't be praising him for those times when I needed him to take over with our children because I felt unwell.  I wouldn't be sharing dinner plans or date night selfies.

All of a sudden, in a world I only just fit into anyway, I quickly felt so disconnected from.
A lot of it is just your own thoughts, you make things up. But also, people to tend to step away.
There are people who no longer know what to say to you, or who no longer have any interest. The ones you considered friends.

So I thought for a while about where I want to go with this. Do I want to go in a different direction?
Do I want to paint this "perfect single parent family" picture where everything I post makes it seem like we are doing so well and I am this super strong independent woman who "don't need no man yo"?
Or do I stick to who I am? This person who does like to over share.
This person who relies on her blog to help empty her head and take some of the weight off her shoulders.
The person who wants other people in her situation to almost look to her for advice or as someone to show what the reality is as a mum who is going through a divorce and having to cope with life and it's changes.

I want to do that.
I want to still be me. To be that person who maybe inspires people or helps someone.
I don't want to change who I am or what I do just because I don't fit into certain ideals.

So....then there comes the topics when it comes to this new lifestyle.
And that's where I struggled.
For so long I wanted to talk about guys and dating and held back because, well, I felt it would be frowned upon.
And then I realised that the Facebook and Instagram posts I tend to look for most of the time are those woman in my situation. I want to see what they are doing, how they are coping and I realised that maybe I should just embrace this space of mine and just get on with it. 

My life isn't now about perfect family weekends on a 1936 wooden yacht.
It isn't now about romantic date nights where we sit and get drunk on champagne or Prosecco and eat far too much.
My life now is about talking to men on dating sites, going on dates, speaking to men on nights out and I want to write about it.
I want to share my experiences.

I think the main reason for this was because of a wake up call at the beginning of the month, as I was on the train home from staying at a guys house, and I realised it was OK if I didn't see him again. I for once felt confident that I didn't need to be desperate to see him again or feel desperate for him to want to see me again.
I was genuinely ok with it and I didn't feel sad.  I felt as though if I didn't hear from him again it would be ok. And decided myself to not make any effort in contacting him.

I felt almost like it was a wake up call and I realised that each man I have dated or had any kind of "thing" with has given me something to learn from. They have all been good for me in certain ways.

And I feel quite proud of that. I feel proud that I can look back on these, I want to say encounters but it may paint a totally incorrect image, experiences and take positive things away from them. I can say I learnt something about myself due to those experiences.

In the past year I have started to believe and look into spiritual beliefs and I do think that every person who has come into my life has done so for a reason.
I think I can back this up too and that I have enough "evidence" I guess to prove this.
These are just little things, and I know people don't necessarily believe in spiritual ways but it brings me a lot of comfort and has given me a massive amount of confidence for a long time. It helped me make decisions, it helped me when times were extremely tough.
And when I am ready I will write about my faith. But I'm not ready just yet.

So.
Men.
I'm going to talk about them.
I am an adult. I am 30. I am single. And I want to talk about men.
I need to talk about men.
And from now on, if I feel the need, I will talk about them.

My "husband" is in a relationship and is happy so I don't feel like it is disrespectful towards him for me to share anything about that side of my life now, because it doesn't involve him. And the fact he is in a relationship makes me feel a lot more like it's ok for me to talk about my experiences.

So, can we talk about men? Yes. The good experiences, the bad ones and the cringey ones because although my life may not be perfect, and may not fit in to certain ideals, it is real.
And for that reason it deserves to be shared just as much as any other story, whether the family be perfect or not.