Pages

12.2.16

Not Knowing What's Next

In life I think we all have this idea or picture of how things are going to be, or how we want things to be.
Expectation. Idealism. Dreams.

I dreamt about being married young, to an older man.
Two children...which I pictured as a boy and a girl, the girl to either be called Daisy or Evelyn, who would wear the cutest beautiful dresses and have long hair accessorised with pretty bows and clips.
And to complete the family, two dogs. An old English sheepdog called Jack and a Lhasa called Meg.

I would be the ideal trophy wife.
 Slim, with perfect make up, a hair never out of place and with the latest fashions hung up in my mirrored wardrobe.
A clean, tidy, organised house. Where people walk in an gasp at how I can run such a house with two children, two dogs and a husband.
 I would only serve home cooked meals. We would eat lots of healthy veg, and dessert would mainly consist of fruit salads and ice cream.
 Evenings would be the perfect routine with bath, story, cuddles and sleep for the children. Ending with time downstairs with my husband. Candles, wine, cuddles, watching good tv or sitting and each reading a book.

I probably spent too much time trying to live that ideal that I didn't accept, and probably still don't accept, that life is ok the way it is.
I am doing a good job despite my life not looking like that ideal.

I was on an hour long train journey last week. I'd just spent a day with someone who was a potential.....I don't know? Boyfriend? Love interest? Whatever.
I realised on the train home that for the first time, since leaving someone who I had met or spent time with on "potential-relationship" basis that I didn't think too much about where it would go.
I felt ok with the fact that we might see each other again, or we might not.
I felt ok with the fact that I might go through that again, spending time with someone and then it not going anywhere.

I've always been this person who wants something to plan, something to look forward to.
I think that was probably one of the big things in my last relationship. It was knowing at the beginning that we would have this future to look forward to and to plan.
We would buy a house, we would get married, we would have children and then have that "happily ever after".
And for a while I have felt anxious, and uneasy at not having that anymore.
I have my children, it is a lot to expect someone else to take them on too.
I don't know if I would or will get married again, or if I would or will have more children.

I know that I am the type of person who needs someone, not to look after me but to be there. Even if it is just as a [male] best friend with no romantic link at all.
I think I am now in this place where I have accepted that I can't control or predict everything that will happen in my life.
And that's ok.
It's ok not knowing what is next.