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2.3.16

Debrief: The Past Six Months

Looking back to this time last year my life couldn't have been much different.
It seems so weird now to look back on how my life was because the visual and the reality were completely different.
I still feel almost like I can't talk about what was going through my head at that time. I kept telling myself that it wasn't right to feel the way I was feeling because I was a wife, a mum, I had this family I had to keep together. We were going to be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary and I guess I kept convincing myself that it was my mental health that was ultimately making me feel like this.
I convinced myself that I was just tired, and that the stress of knowing that Harry going to school full time in September would ultimately mean me having to find a job and I wasn't ready for that.
I had decided to try and gain a social life and to make the most of friendships and this in turn made me feel guilty. I was always that wife who stayed at home and who didn't go out and socialise.
And then there was my planned trip to the Isle of Man which, in all honesty, did change my life. When I booked this I could tell that this was possibly going to be a make or break holiday when it came to my marriage.
I wasn't told that I couldn't go to the Isle of Man. But it was clear that my (soon-to-be) ex-husband wasn't thrilled about the idea. Which I can understand in a way, I was going on holiday somewhere which was going to be dominated by men. And I would be going on the back of my brothers bike everyday which worried him.
The emotionless (from both of us) goodbye as he dropped me at the hotel the night before my flight, the lack of contact that week, and the again emotionless greeting when he met me at the airport was pretty much the confirmation I needed that this wasn't just down to my mental health and the other things I had convinced myself was wrong.
Two and a half months then passed, we lived our own lives, spent weekends doing different things and one evening at the end of August I knew I had to take that step and make life easier for us both.

And that was that. My marriage was then officially over and now six months on my life is so different. In fact, mine and my exes paths are completely different. 
He is in a relationship and is happy and is making plans and, I'm really pleased for him. 
Whereas for me, it's all been a bit of "fun" when it comes to men. And as much as I've felt a bit disappointed that I haven't been or felt good enough to be in a relationship I've also realised (actually whilst writing this post) that a relationship is just not on my path at the moment. And for good reason. 
In six months I had to find myself a job, and thankfully I have one that I love and through that have made some fab friends, I've had to go through the process of putting our house up for sale, then going through the sale process, I've had to see a solicitor which felt incredibly grown up and have had to go through the divorce process. I've had to find a house to live in which I have been incredibly lucky with...to the point where I almost have to pinch myself with how it has all come about. And this in turn has also given me confirmation on what I believe in. 

I think now, I just need to relax and to not put pressure on myself on how I think my life should be. It's ok for me to break down and to feel I can't cope because I am going through a lot. And I am trying to be this super woman who can do everything but maybe I need to realise that I don't have to do everything. The only person who expects me to do everything is me. No one else. 

I have to remind myself that this is my path and this is the result of the decision I made. The decision that was right for our family and these hard times are not going to last forever. 
Soon enough the house sale will be through and complete.
The divorce will be complete. 
I will be in my house and will have the chance to make it our home. 
And a man, well he will arrive when it is my time to have a man in my life. Maybe he has already arrived and soon enough I will be in a happy relationship, or will just have someone to cuddle me and support me when I feel I need to be wrapped up in strong arms.

These six months might have been tough, but I'm getting through them and most importantly, through anything I've done in that time....including the decision for my marriage to end....I have no regrets.