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23.4.16

April 23rd 2009-present

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. I'm expected to be ok about it. To not be hurt, or upset. I knew it was coming, the end of the marriage that is, and I made the choice to end it. But today is still hard.
It's a date that has been important to me since I was 18. I remember clearly the moment we sat on the sofa, after I moved away from home to be with him, with a diary looking at April dates.
I spent 10 years celebrating this date and looking forward to it.
Today I feel like I am mourning.
I keep thinking back to last year.
10 years.
And how uneventful it was. Probably proof that it was the last one we would spend together. We didn't really celebrate properly. We went for a meal but it didn't feel all that special.
After I seperated from him he started the divorce process. Since September I have been told how he wants to divorce me as soon as possible. I had mentally prepared to wake up today no longer as his wife. Yet proceedings have been halted because of him.
And as much as I try to not think of it I can't.
It hurts.
I'm not sad about not celebrating a marriage.
I'm glad I'm not celebrating it because it wouldn't have been right for us to still be together.
But it hurts that this day is no longer significant.
It hurts that I have to be strong when I don't want to be today.
It hurts that I am expected to not be bothered simply because it was my choice and the right thing to do.
I want to hide away today.
Not go to work.
Not pretend to be happy.