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1.5.16

#singlelife 001 | Being In Control

It's Saturday. It's 8.43pm. I got home from work at 7.30ish. And despite feeling exhausted from a night of panic attacks and then a full days work I headed straight upstairs, carrying the bedside cabinet that my mum got from a local charity shop. I rearranged my room to fit them in, only one fits without the room looking too cluttered.
I phone my mum, it seems to be the best time to sort things out. The distraction of talking to my mum makes me super organised and within no time most of my room is sorted, or at least ready for me to tackle tomorrow when hopefully I've got a bit more energy.
I'm sitting in my room. No tv. No music. No children.
I hear a train go past on the nearby tracks. I hear heels on the pavement from women as they walk to the nearby pub.
Laughing from men as they follow behind.
Part of me does feel a pang of jealousy, I do wish that it was me.
I wish I had those friends, or a man to go out with. "Couple" friends...something I always wanted.
I wasn't feeling hungry when I got in from work, and then decided, with limited food options in the cupboard and trying to avoid the usual easy takeaway option, to just stick some chips in the oven.
Whilst the chips cooked I went back to my room, made my bed, put the tv on and sat there.
I could still hear the odd person going past outside, on their way to the pub.
And I made a decision which to some is probably normal or could indeed be frowned upon but I decided to embrace this life I have now.
In my old house we didn't have a tv in our room. It was annoying. Really annoying. And here I am now able to watch whatever I want in bed.
I was also not allowed to eat in the bedroom. Breakfast in bed was never a possibility so I decided to almost feel like a rebel and to eat that plate of chips in bed.
Eating in bed whilst watching tv. Not terribly exciting but one of those moments that made me realise how different life is and how much control I have over it now.
I don't have to compromise or abide by any rules.
And I like it.
There are those moments still when I want to be the one walking to the pub with couple friends.
But for now...this is ok too.