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26.7.16

#singlelife 002 | The Honeytrap

I was in two minds as to whether or not to write this. But I feel like I haven't given my blog my attention at all since I've been single and I sometimes worry if this is why I am struggling mentally a lot.

I've been worried about writing about dating and single life because a lot of the blogs I follow are this family unit and I feel like I'm an outsider.
Separation and divorce certainly changes your circle and you realise that people don't know how to be with you.
My circumstances changed, I didn't. So it hurts.

As well as losing people there are others who spring up out of nowhere. Others who either want gossip, or are of the opposite sex and think that all of a sudden they can offer you some fun.
This of course isn't too bad if you are both single, if you are both aware of what is going on, and neither of you gets hurt etc etc. But when those people, those men, are in relationships it's quite offensive, and laughable.

At least with a single man you know that there is the potential of it maybe going somewhere. You know that someone getting hurt is limiting as long as you both know where you each stand. It's easy.

When that other person has a partner, there is a whole other level of consideration.
First of all, it being wrong. Full stop.
But in terms of people getting hurt, it ramps up quite high.

And when I say laughable, this is because these men will claim that their relationships are fine and they just want some fun, or that they are bored and will "split any day".
And it makes me wonder how they can think to put that effort, that fun, towards someone else and to potentially ruin what they have with this person they claim to love.
I wonder if the person they claim to love is even aware of them being unhappy.

If there is one thing I learnt from my separation and divorce it's that honesty is key. If you're not happy talk about it, try to work it out and if it gets to the point where you think temptation is a possibility then you need to take that brave step and walk away.

I was surprised at the men who approached me.
One of which saw me at work, stood and chatted and was suggestive, flirted and said we should meet up for a drink. He walked away telling me to add him on Facebook which I did, to then see a photo of his girlfriend.
When I mentioned this to him he said he simply "forgot" when he was talking to me.

The other who jokingly flirted on social media, privately of course, saw me at work (there's a little theme there) a couple of times, and again was suggestive. Totally bypassing the fact he has a girlfriend.

And then there was the one who kept sending "wants to meet you" on Plenty of Fish. Obviously forgetting that he has a fiancee.

These three guys were guys I know from school. And all of a sudden I seem to be approachable, although we were friends at school I was a "no go area" because of my brother, simply because I must be desperate or want some fun as I've just got out of a long marriage.
"I always wanted to at school". Well actually, so did I but at the time I wasn't good enough and now.....now I'm only good enough to "have some fun with" and don't deserve respect or anything else.
I'll just be this hidden secret.

And it wasn't respect that I didn't deserve. It was these men, these people who I would/could have considered friends. It's them who don't deserve respect, or friendship.

I all of a sudden felt like I was this honeytrap. Although a silent one. And maybe that's why they approached me. Because I'm not the type to go and run and tell their partners what they're doing. Let's face it, more often than not the woman gets blamed...especially when she is single...so I wouldn't have been believed anyway. But I don't want to split up relationships. I don't want that responsibility.
I can take a flirt. I don't think there is anything wrong with an innocent flirt with anyone, whether or not they or I am in a relationship, but when that flirt becomes serious, and is taken a step further and becomes suggestive, then it needs to stop.

It's hard though to not feel hurt at not being worth more than this woman who men just want to "have fun" with.
Being a secret...that's not fun.
Feeling like you are not worth anything more...that's not fun.
One day maybe my relationship status will change for the better. "In a relationship" or even "seeing someone".

For now, "single" I can cope with.
But "honeytrap"...I can't.