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28.8.16

A Year

Exactly a year ago I sat down and wrote a letter to my husband. The letter suggested we should separate. I thought I was ok with it, and that it would affect me now. But as I write this my eyes are tingling. It's not that I miss him. We are better off as we are now. But I guess it's the fact that this thing happened that I never expected. It was the right thing to do for the person I had become, but not anything I ever expected I would be doing.

I remember shaking as I wrote the letter, knowing that although it felt like a cowards way of doing it there was no other way, I would never have been able to get the words out. 

I stood as he read it. I remember not knowing what to do, how to act, what expression to pull. 
I didn't cry. I didn't know whether or not to say sorry. I didn't know how he would react.

He was taking the boys camping for the weekend with his sister, which gave us both time to be away from each other to let the news sink in. 

After they left I sat on the sofa. Wondering how I should be feeling. I didn't know what I should be feeling. It was weird, for the first time in a long time we hadn't done our routine "Bye, love you" goodbye. 
Those words. Love you. Ones we'd said so often but for a while meant very little, were all of a sudden not part of our vocabulary. We no longer had to say them. It felt weird. It felt strange to all of a sudden not say those words. 


I sat and I guess I was in shock. Nothing felt different. Probably down to the fact we had been living separate lives for a while only now it was official. I told my mum, and my two closest friends, who offered nothing but support.

My brother was in the Isle of Man and I didn't want him to know until he got back. Out of the blue he phoned me, and it was hard to not say anything but brought a much needed distraction.  
Little did I realise he would make my day, in fact pretty much make my year by passing the phone over to William Dunlop...one of my favourite TT racers, for me to speak to him. 
As I said goodbye to William and got passed back to my brother I broke down...mainly due to the fact I had just spoken to William. 
We hung up the phone and I sobbed. Shaking.
The shock of what had happened in the morning started to sink in and rather than tears of sadness I was crying tears of fear. 

What had I done? 
I didn't have a job. I had two children. 
Where would I live? 
Would he come back and try and fight for me? What if he didn't come back? 
What if he told me to leave? What if he left? 
How do I tell the children? What if they hated me? What if it broke their world? 

It worked out ok. I feel incredibly lucky that our boys accepted it. At no point have they said a bad word about it or shown any kind of struggle. 
It has been hard on them, of course it has. But they have been so strong and brave that I can't help but to feel immensly proud of them. 

There have obviously been tough times. Little fights between me and my ex, but over all it has been relatively ammicable and friendly.
It has shown that I made the right decision. 
We are both completely different people and in no way would we work as a couple let alone as parents together. Obviously we are parents, I know that sounds like a stupid thing to write. But as a "parenting team"...I don't know which words I need to use, we don't and wouldn't work the same.
But we both know that, we both accept that. 

A year on, I've learnt a lot about myself. I've learnt a lot about being an adult. About men. About love, dating and expectations. 

Right now, I'm stuck in this place where I don't know what I want. Actually, I guess that's a lie.
I want a boyfriend...or to meet someone who has that potential. 
I don't want anything super serious. 
But I want someone who likes me, who wants to spend time with me. Someone who looks at me and can't help but to smile.
Someone who wants to be seen with me, who doesn't mind holding my hand.
Someone to go for a walk with. Someone to go for a drink with or to just sit at home and watch a film with. 
There are days when all I want is a cuddle. Just to cuddle on the sofa, there doesn't have to be any meaning behind it. But just a cuddle where I can snuggle in and feel comfort, where he gives me a little squeeze to emphasize that. 
I guess...I just get a bit lonely and I want some male company. And after waiting a year for that, I think it's time I deserved some.