Gosh life is hard at times.
Little things that build up, and you work your way to break them down and for life to be manageable and then "BOOM!" here's something big to test you too.
Adulting is tiring. I have never felt this tired. Even when I had a newborn baby and was up all hours feeding, comforting, with little nap breaks in the day, I didn't feel as tired as this.
This mental exhaustion. Added to the physical exhaustion. It just gets a bit much.
I keep seeing all the things I am failing at. All the times I let people down.
I very rarely see success in myself and feel I have made people proud.
I put an immense amount of pressure on myself in so many areas.
I put so much pressure on myself to try and please everyone else and to make everyone else happy that I forget about myself.
I try to impress people so much that I'm starting to wonder who I really am.
As soon as I start to feel like I'm close to being settled and knowing who I am I have a set back. I know life is full of challenges but I feel like one small challenge is a domino affect for everything else.
"You got this"
I tell myself. Over and over.
Trying to convince myself and trying to believe that I might in fact have some control over my life and be able to get through it without drifting as I am.
I wonder how I am ever going to cope and manage.
If I will ever feel in a place where I can say 'You got this".
I don't expect to be able to manage everything, or to be in control of everything, but to be in a place where I can go "ok, I kind of know how my life is right now and what I should be doing".
To have some kind of order and not a life that is as messy as my head.
For people to be able to say "Oh Lauren, yeah she's got her shit together".
For me to be able to confidently look at myself in the morning each day, smile and tell myself
"Oh Lauren, You Got This".