This is a post I've wanted to write for so long.
But everytime I sit and write out the title my fingers stop working.
I think mainly for fear of this post being laughed at, and completely rejected.
Or not at all understood.
Wherever I look, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, other blogs and in real life, there are these couples who are all "so in love" and I don't belong to that club.
I haven't belonged to that club for a very long time.
And I wonder sometimes if I ever will because my thoughts on love are completely different to what they used to be.
Because I don't know if I truly believe in it anymore.
To quote myself since January "Love is Bullshit".
I haven't had a relationship since I split with my ex-husband.
That's ok. I used to think it wasn't ok and that really there must be something wrong with me because I wasn't able to find someone so soon and because I didn't have men falling at my feet.
I've dated. Everyone I have met has been nice, and I haven't had a nightmare date...thankfully I've been able to realise early on if someone is a nutcase and then have been able to avoid the dating thing with those guys. Phew!!
But despite not having a relationship, I haven't been able to avoid love.
That bullshit concept of love.
Love that keeps drawing me back to the person I can't be with. No matter how many men I date, what they look like, what we have in common, there is that one person I am constantly drawn back to.
That person who I do everything to get over, and to try and forget about.
That person who has hurt me over and over, but somehow manages to fix it because of that bullshit concept of love.
That person who has made their way into my head, and into my heart, as much as I tried to not let them.
But it's not easy.
It's not easy when there are other factors that get in the way.
And all you live on are promises, and hopes that one day maybe things will be ok and in fact, love won't be bullshit. And that one day you will be able to believe in love and to see it how others do.
But then I look at how love exists with other people now. Those couples and that perfect love that we see on Facebook, Instagram and so on.
Those couples who look perfect, who talk about how much they love each other and how perfect their future will be...how they will get married, have children.
The amount of it that is not at all real. The amount of it that is fake, put on as a show, or is believed by one person and not by the other.
How things happen in those relationships that no one else knows about, how behind closed doors the relationship, the "love", is not as perfect as they make out.
You learn a lot when you become single. People seem to all of a sudden trust you and, I guess given your situation, they know you will understand how they feel.
There are times I wish I didn't feel love. There are times I wish I could completely believe in it, and that I could believe that one day someone will love me fully and with all their heart.
But right now...
Love is selfish. Love is hard. Love hurts. Love isn't real. Love is lonely. Love is just a word.
Love. Is. Bullshit.