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27.12.16

Unexpected Escape

If you'd told me two years ago that my life would be the way it is now I'm not sure I would have believed you.
Two years ago I was this mumsy type, I liked it and it was who I was back then.
My main joys in life were Joules, Cath Kidston, watching Kirstie Allsopp.
I spent Christmas with my husband and my children. I planned the breakfast, dinner, the Boxing Day meals, the families gifts and when we would see everyone else.

And now, it is different, and I like it.

I've come a long way in the last two years. Becoming a different person, someone who I actually quite like despite the fact I am not yet used to being her. I don't always recognise myself and it's scary but it's also exciting.
I put a lot a pressure on who I am, who I should be and I struggle because of that. But I know that it's part of the process, and just the kind of person I am.
This Christmas my mum went to stay with my brother in Somerset. It meant that Christmas Day was spent with me and the boys before they went to their dads in the afternoon and then I was by myself. It brought me comfort knowing my mum was spending Christmas with my brother, and with her sister and brother in law.
But it was hard, not because I was by myself because I actually quite like my own company. I still love the novelty of having my own bed and spend far too much time in my bed than on my sofa!
It's hard because of the memories I have of the last Christmas we had as a family. Of the argument that ended Christmas day and Christmas evening on a low. An argument which resulted in Boxing Day starting in tears and with massive panic attacks. Spending the rest of the day feeling unsettled.
It was the start of where we are now.

I try to block it out but it's hard. And I realised that I have this unexpected escape. Unexpected distraction.
I am obsessed (to an extent) with the TT and with the Dunlops. The run up to Christmas and over the Christmas period the TT, motorbikes and road racing seem to have given me a much needed comfort and escape from everything.
Watching Road, watching my video from the TT this year, watching a programme about Ian Hutchinson on Christmas Day instead of the typical Christmas Day programmes and films I usually couldn't miss.
Listening to the Road soundtrack, and turning it up as loud as I can so I can feel it.

I never knew and never would have imagined that motorbikes, the TT, and The Dunlops would mean so much to me anyway, let alone be such a comfort to me when times are hard and when I have no idea with how to cope with my thoughts and my feelings.

When I went to the TT I didn't expect it to affect me so much. It really changed my life in so many ways. Ways I could never explain and ways which people don't understand....that even I struggle to understand.
It was the beginning of me, of the person I am now and the person I am becoming.

It doesn't just become a hobby or something you are into. You feel it in your heart, as a bike races past it pounds into your heart, into your blood, into your head. It becomes part of you. 

I'll never feel that freedom of jumping on a bike and riding to clear my head or to feel escape. But listening to them, watching them, is as close as I can get.