Financing home improvements
Financing home improvements
Over the Shoulder Corsage
It's obvious to me now that my opinion and outlook on life is completely different to before, in so many ways.
It even shocks me.
My opinions on marriage, on love, on attraction especially.
I was always pretty sure that I would be with someone older, the thought of a younger man never really appealed to me. I didn't "get" the whole younger man thing.
I thought even men a year to two older than me were still "too young" for me.
And now, all of a sudden, I guess those men who I would have looked past, who I would have not even have given a second glance to and would instead have given an almost patronising "awww, he's handsome" look to have all of a sudden become more than that.
They have become more than just a quick look and instead have become appealing and noticeable.
Before I sound too much like a cougar, let me explain.
I got my job. Plus point to that is of course working with men and that the majority of the customers are men. I soon found myself satisfied in having men to talk to, not in an attention seeking way but more because I always found it easier to talk to and to get along with men. And of course yes, a cheeky flirt isn't a bad thing.
As with most jobs, I think in my sector anyway, there are a variety of ages and there was a turning point of when I went from seeing those younger guys as people I wouldn't get on with to then being people I actually enjoy talking to and being around.
Obviously, this turning point was at everyone's favourite social event no matter where you work...the Christmas do.
Four of us left standing. Me, and three guys all in their early 20's (I know, go me right?!).
I guess from that moment I realised that it didn't matter that these guys were younger than me. We were all there having a good time. We were all enjoying a drink, a dance, and having a laugh and I couldn't remember the last time (other than at the Isle of Man obviously) that I had felt comfortable around men and that I was accepted. It didn't matter that I was this 30 year old mum of two, or if it did they certainly didn't show that it mattered.
And since then, yes there have been times I've felt old and I tut at the "youth of today" but similarly there have been times when I have felt younger than them.
But mostly, there are times when an age gap doesn't seem at all noticeable or relevant. You can talk everyday, and sometimes they will shock you and you see this mature side to them which almost blows you away.
And 7 years seems like nothing when they are the person you head to straight away when you need a friend. When you feel you can say anything to them, even if they don't have their mature head on.
I do believe that I have people coming in and out of my life to teach me certain things, about myself and about how I should be seeing life and people in it.
And I guess that person made me realise, not through anything they've done in particular but more down to common sense, that it's ok to be attracted to someone and to know that it will never be.
And that's ok.
It seems so weird now to look back on how my life was because the visual and the reality were completely different.
I still feel almost like I can't talk about what was going through my head at that time. I kept telling myself that it wasn't right to feel the way I was feeling because I was a wife, a mum, I had this family I had to keep together. We were going to be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary and I guess I kept convincing myself that it was my mental health that was ultimately making me feel like this.
I convinced myself that I was just tired, and that the stress of knowing that Harry going to school full time in September would ultimately mean me having to find a job and I wasn't ready for that.
I had decided to try and gain a social life and to make the most of friendships and this in turn made me feel guilty. I was always that wife who stayed at home and who didn't go out and socialise.
And then there was my planned trip to the Isle of Man which, in all honesty, did change my life. When I booked this I could tell that this was possibly going to be a make or break holiday when it came to my marriage.
The emotionless (from both of us) goodbye as he dropped me at the hotel the night before my flight, the lack of contact that week, and the again emotionless greeting when he met me at the airport was pretty much the confirmation I needed that this wasn't just down to my mental health and the other things I had convinced myself was wrong.
Two and a half months then passed, we lived our own lives, spent weekends doing different things and one evening at the end of August I knew I had to take that step and make life easier for us both.
Whereas for me, it's all been a bit of "fun" when it comes to men. And as much as I've felt a bit disappointed that I haven't been or felt good enough to be in a relationship I've also realised (actually whilst writing this post) that a relationship is just not on my path at the moment. And for good reason.