Being Brave Creates ExcitementWhen I go to the Isle of Man this year I am going to drive over and go on the ferry instead of doing what I have done in the past and getting a Flybe plane over.
I am really nervous. I have to first of all drive to Liverpool....which is a long drive in itself. And then drive onto the ferry. I have never done that before, so doing it alone is quite a big deal.
I'd be happy to just be able to stay in my car for the whole journey, but obviously that isn't an option so having to go and find somewhere to sit and to keep myself entertained. To not give into the temptation of freaking out and hiding in the toilets.
My brother is leaving a day before me. Meaning I have to spend one night and one day by myself. Something which I guess I do feel nervous about, but in another way I feel really brave. Once upon a time it would have been something I would never have done. But now, it excites me. I feel free and strong I guess to be able to do this by myself and to feel brave enough to do it.
When I look back at the moments in the last two years where I have felt scared but fought through it and ended up feeling brave, it makes future adventures and fears even more exciting...still scary but definitely exciting.
Be Careful Who You Trust and Follow Your Instincts
I've always been far too trusting of people. I let people in too easily, I trust them far too easily. I warn others about these people and don't take my own advice. This year, already I have had that wake up call that I need to listen to myself, shut people out, and look at who is around me. It doesn't matter how friendly someone is, what they say to you, how sweet they come across, or words they say to you, they will stab you in the back as soon as they can, for no reason.
Thankfully, the people who have done this to me mean only a little to me so it is no great loss, and will just be seen as a lesson learnt.
Don't trust to easily, keep people at a distance, and listen to my own advice.
Know Your Worth
I guess leading off from the above I have learnt to have respect for myself and to stand up for myself if I feel I'm not being treated how I think I should be.
I've always been the type of person who gives everyone a chance, I am quite open and will take "banter" and so on but there are certain things that I won't accept anymore. It's taken me a while to be able to stand up for myself, to be strong enough to tell someone that they can't talk to me a certain way or treat me a certain way.
Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of people who have little respect for others.
The places I once felt safe and felt like were my escape have become the opposite because of particular people, and that's not what I want my life to be like.
I feel like I have to many other areas of my life that are hard and require effort and attention and following my heart and being strong enough to know what I am worth will make my life so much better.
Quality not Quantity
I have a small circle of friends around me. It used to bother me. I used to look at women who had big groups of friends and feel jealous. I wanted to be like them. But I realised that despite being in these big groups, when they are separated they will still talk about each other. And I didn't want that.
For so long I turned down nights out, wanting instead to be with my family. And also thinking I wasn't good enough or fun enough to go out with other people. That invitations were because people felt they had to invite me rather than actually wanting to.
Boxing Day last year my friend invited me out. I almost said no because I didn't feel like it at all. But I got myself ready and went anyway. I hated the thought of going out and only knowing one person in a group. Of meeting up with someone who had already been drinking when I was completely sober. But I went anyway. I think the world of this friend and didn't want to be the boring one who said no and to then jeopardise future invitations. I was so glad I went. And last week we spent a girly day together which had me on a high.
I get overwhelmed when people want to be my friend, especially when it's people who I think are way to good for me!
I also went on another night out with two other friends, again wasn't in the mood to go but went anyway and was glad I did. I've realised recently that I worry far too much about people not liking me and people thinking negatively about me that I don't focus on those who might actually like me, who might like the things I talk about and might think that actually I am a good person, I am fun and I am nice to be around.
My Life, My Body, My Choices
It doesn't matter what you do in life, people will always have an opinion. Someone will always tell you what they don't like, rather than praising.
Don't do this, don't do that, you will regret this, you will regret that.
For two years I've heard that and more. And I don't know if it makes me more angry than sad to be honest.
My views and opinions on life have changed massively the last couple of years. I am a lot more relaxed about things, a lot more open minded, and I really feel like I want to make the most of my freedom.
My body is included in that.
I have got tattoos...more than I expected I would ever have, and people have opinions on that.
I used to let it upset me, I used to let it bother me. I used to doubt myself and my decisions but now I've learnt that, as long as I am happy, it doesn't matter what other people think.
I wouldn't tell someone not to do something in case they regretted it and am of the mind set that I would rather regret getting a tattoo than to regret not getting one.
Every choice I make I think about for a long time. It's not such a spur of the moment decision...although I wouldn't ever rule those out.
I want to feel powerful and in control of myself and my life and my body because for so long I didn't feel that way.
But now....I'm going to have confidence in my decisions and ignore any criticisms.
And be proud of myself.