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8.1.17

I Got Lost Finding Myself

I knew 2016 was going to be tough. It was a year I knew I couldn't predict or guess. I was going in blind I guess.

Scared, blind but accepting of whatever was going to be thrown at me.

"You're so brave"
"Take time for you"
"Get to know who you are".

That's what was said to me a lot.
I'd already spent the previous year disconnected from my life and discovering who I am which was what got me to where I was now.
Except this time I had nothing standing in my way. I could be whoever I wanted. I could try new things. Go through new experiences.
I had no one to answer to.

But in that time of finding myself, I instead lost myself.
I look in the mirror and I don't know who I am.
I don't recognise the reflection of this woman who has put on weight, has bitten nails, and no sparkle in her eyes.
Broken, bruised, damaged.

Every now and then I see a glimpse of someone who I know. That woman who is confident, who has her shit together, who will confidently say "this is who I am, if you don't like it, tough!".

But she so quickly goes back into a shell and again, I am hidden and lost. Unrecognisable.

I go from someone who doesn't care what people thinks of her to someone who feels judged by everyone. Who thinks that people never show their true feelings and pretend to like her.

I thought last year would be the year I would really start to discover myself, to be able to stand proud and know who I am.
But I got lost. I met so many signposts and forks in the road and thought I was going the right way but I got lost.

What was I so scared of? Why did I become so blind?
What AM I scared of? Why AM I so blind?

I don't know how to fix it. I keep assessing my life, my surroundings, how I do things, what I can and can't control and I can't work out how to change.

I can't work out how to be on that right path anymore.
I expect obstacles, I expect things to be in my way. But not to go down the wrong path.

Not to sit there and cry as I wonder if decisions I make are right and wondering what on earth I am doing to myself.
Wondering whether or not I am treating my heart right.
A heart that has felt so battered. A heart that is unsure whether or not it knows how to accept love anymore.

Wondering whether or not I even respect myself, my body and everything that I am.

I remind myself that although I have a long way to go, I have still come a long way too. And that is amazing. And I should be proud.

I just don't want to feel lost anymore.


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