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16.1.17

if you can hear me, through the walls.

When I'm crying, in my room, laying on my bed with my face planted so tightly in the pillow to muffle the loud sobbing coming from within me.
When I'm crying, in my room, curled in a ball on the floor, holding my stomach and my heart to try and ease the pain inside me.
I wonder if you can hear me, through the walls.

I want to explain why.
I want you to know why I get to that point.
Why you have to listen to that.

I don't always like myself.

I look in the mirror and hate who I see. I dislike her so much that just looking at her makes my eyes fill with tears. I feel like I can't get rid of her and that I am trapped with no where to go and no where to run. I am stuck with her and it doesn't matter what I do I cannot change that.
I look at photos of who I was a year or so ago and I much prefer her. When I was slimmer and I keep saying that I know I can be her again, I just need to be strict and not eat the way I do but I don't feel strong enough. And I hate that. I hate that I don't feel strong enough to be the person I liked looking at.

I feel like a failure.

In so many areas of my life, I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not good enough, like I'm not able to do the simplest of things.
I compare myself to others and I am nowhere near as good as them and am not at the place I should be. Not as an adult, or as a parent, as a friend, as a woman.

My life is in too much of a routine.

Not in a positive way. I could do with being in a good routine but in terms of what I do each day, my routine isn't exciting.
I do the school run, go home to spend the day by myself. I pick the boys up from school, listen to them argue, feel like a failure as a mum, put them to bed and spend an evening by myself in bed or I go to sleep early...again because I am by myself.
Other days I do the school run, go to work, come home, and spend another evening by myself. Doing the same thing of going to bed early and sitting on my laptop/watching tv or going to sleep early.
I don't have the drive or energy to do anything, to tidy my house, to exercise. It's too easy to be in this routine, with no one behind me giving me a push.

I feel lonely.

You can have as many friends as you like living in your phone, feel like you have friends at work, have however many strangers like Instagram posts and read blog posts, but it's not real. It's not that real interaction. That actual feeling of being good enough for someone, to feel like you mean something and that you aren't just someone see's as a virtual friend and/or "work colleague".
Sometimes, I just want someone there to hug me and to tell me everything is ok. Not because I need to hear it, but because they mean it. Because they believe it. Because they believe in me.

I miss feeling like a proper family.

I didn't want to admit this. I didn't want to even accept it. I didn't realise until recently that I want to be part of a proper family unit again. It's something I think of so often. My daydreams are full of images of me, the boys and a man. Of us all smiling and having fun. Being a proper family.
Being accepted and not feeling like an outcast in certain communities for being a broken family.
I don't want anyone to take the place of the boys dad. But I want someone to be in that role, for all of us. As a positive role model, someone to make us all smile and to just be there as comfort and support.
Someone else for us to love too.

Jane Beata Watercolour & pen on 300g Fabriano paper, 21 x 29cm Tumblr/Shop: