I look at people around me. People who might not even be directly in my life but are somehow connected and I realise that I want to be somebody else.
I get confused.
I get told I have "baggage". But I look around and other mums are in relationships. Mums who have their children more often than I have mine. So why are my children considered baggage? I don't want anyone else to be in that area of my life right now. My children don't need that.
Not that I should care, the people who say this aren't people I want in my life in that way or in that role anyway but it hurts. Why am I different?
I want to be her. The one whose additions are considered as baggage, and who is respected for not wanting to have someone in her children's lives yet.
Why is it acceptable for someone else to act and talk like me, but not for me to be the same? When we are pretty much the same in the way we talk, the way we think but I get told "You are a mum, you shouldn't talk like that!" But so is she, and she is considered fun, open, and doesn't get judged. But I do. Why am I different?
I want to be her. I want to be free to be who I am without being judged. Without openly being told "I have a problem with what you say because you are a mum".
I got told a lot about how brave I am. I've learnt a lot about being strong, and about being independent. I have a lot to learnt, a lot to change and in a lot of areas I need to take my head out of the sand. But overall, I guess I have my shit together. But that's intimidating apparently. It puts people off me.
Having confidence, being honest, being open, is initimating.
But what about her? She is the same as me, and it is part of her appeal.
I have achievements. I have moments I feel proud. Where I feel settled and like I have done well. I have to ask for praise. "Do you think I did well?" Or have to announce that I am proud of myself.
If I have any achievements, or for once feel like I am doing well, or feel like I belong I am soon put down. I am told how someone did better. How, yes you did that, but you didn't do this.
It doesn't matter if that person is your friend, they will make it clear someone is better than you. No matter how are you try, no matter the obstacles you faced to be where you are, no matter the battles you fought.
I want to be the one who is known to be good at her job. For those things she does that she doesn't have to, for going the extra mile, to be noticed and appreciated.
I want to be the one who he falls asleep next to every night. And wake up next to every morning. I want to be that somebody. The one one who can shout out that she loves him and that he is hers. Rather than quietly wanting him to be hers. Quietly daydreaming about what life would be like if they were together.
Accidentally falling in love with someone, can't be helped. You can't stop yourself falling in love with someone, I have realised that and have learnt that.
I just wish I was the one who he was with. Who didn't have to hope and daydream.
Nevermore have I wanted to be somebody else. Whoever it is that people want me to be.
Because clearly, being me and being myself, is never good enough.