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30.3.17

Feelings

Some days I feel numb. Some days I feel completely overwhelmed.
I keep trying to analyse it all. 
Why do I feel this way one day and not the next? And vice versa.

Feelings.
That's why. 
These feelings inside me all colliding and creating an explosion...that each day creates a different reaction. 

The hurt. Anger. Confusion.
The loneliness. Feeling inferior. Feeling second best.

The not knowing who I am. Who I want to be. Who I should be.
Not knowing what other people expect from me. 
Or what I expect from myself.

Sometimes I feel clear on what I want. 
On how I want my life to be right now. 
I have moments where I am clear that I am my priority. 
That no one else matters but me and my boys. 
And then those moments happen where other people feel important. 
I want to curl up in a ball and let it all out. But then I feel angry at letting this take over my mind and my body.
My eyes tingle at the thoughts of things not being simple. 
Of how things are so complicated and how I can't do anything about it. 

I feel confused over how I have let feelings take over my mind and my heart so much that there feels like no way out.
I have moments where I want to push people away, and run away from it all myself.
And then other moments where I want to hold onto them so tight and never let go.

But the realisation kicks in that I have no control. 
I'm not in control of much. 
I can't control situations and I can't control myself.
I can't control my feelings.

I try to be kind to myself. To protect myself. 
I build up these barriers, and become a little stronger, a little more harsh. 
I remember who I am and how I was this person who was once a little weak and has gradually become stronger and stronger. 
And I don't want to break that. I love that person. 
That independent person. 
But she sometimes seems so distant and small. 
Unreachable and like she will never come back, despite the amount of effort I put in. 
So matter how much I try to get her. 

And soon enough I am weak again.
Dependant on others to make me feel strong. But there is no one there. 
No one to make me feel like the person I want to feel.

I am back to fending for myself. 
To provide for myself, in every way I can.
Emotionally, mentally. 
To feel something.