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26.3.17

Mothers Day: I Can Do This

Mothers Day used to mean something different to me. It meant a lay in, promise of the breakfast I had requested, a long soak in the bath, and a general relaxing sort of day doing whatever I wanted.
But it's different now.
Last year the boys were with their dad, something we agreed because it was his weekend with them and because it was just after his birthday so time for them to celebrate that with him. And Mothers Day wasn't the same for me anymore.

I am lucky at times with the boys. Although they can be hard work they do have such kind hearts. They will tell me I am amazing, they will look after me and will spoil me as much as they can.
This year I have the boys, but Mothers Day isn't how it is reflected in the cards.

"A day for you to feel appreciated"
"A day for you to rest"
"A day for you to feel spoilt"

Last week I got a trophy for being the best mummy. Just a general Tuesday morning, whilst Harry got ready for school, he made all this effort to make me a trophy to tell me I am the best. That meant more to me than a Mothers Day I'd be celebrating because I am told to celebrate.
I cherish those trophies, love notes, pictures, cuddles and effort that is made to tell me how they feel on any random day.

​I felt a little odd looking at cards and seeing adverts about how Mothers Day should be. It was almost another dig at how my life doesn't fit that stereotype or that ideal.
As I picked up two boys from after school club on Friday and they mentioned my present and shushed each other, hinting at what they got me, and as Charles slowly walked upstairs to his room holding a package ordering me NOT to look in his wardrobe at all between then and Sunday I realised how it is more important to them than to me.
I realised how grown up they are and how it doesn't matter that I am this parent on her own, because I have these two boys who have taken on the role as an adult in charge and have managed to get this gift into the house and to make me feel special.
I realised how being a separated parenting team can still work. How even though we are not together we are doing a good job because without him the boys wouldn't have been able to do what they have been done. They wouldn't have that sense of pride at making me feel special.

And I also realised that Mothers Day, like any day, is simply what you make it.
I want Mothers Day for me to feel pride in who I am, what I am capable of.
For me to prove I can do this, to feel strong and as though I can be the person my boys need me to be.
I don't want to be celebrated. I don't want to be told "thank you for being our mum". I want that one day to prove I am a mother.
To have one day where instead of relaxing I can prove to myself that despite my situation, despite the tough times and the moments I feel I am failing, I CAN DO THIS.

I miss that feeling of providing and of feeling like I am strong. I haven't felt it for a while.
So this Mothers Day, when the boys are in bed, I hope I can look back on the day and praise myself for doing it. For showing that I can be this mum. Not the perfect mum.
But a mum who is capable at least.