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24.4.17

Life.

I dont know how I am doing this anymore.
How I am coping. How I am being.
Everyday I wake up scared. Not knowing what my mind will be like that day. Unsure of how many tears will fall from my eyes. Unsure of how many times I will break from being strong.

I hear myself sob more than I hear myself laugh.
I see my mouth dip down at the sides more than I see it smile.
I abuse my body more than I look after it.
I do the same with my head.
And my heart.

I go from being settled and almost recognising that feeling of being happy to suddenly feeling a huge amount of anger.
Anger at myself, at others, and at life in general.

I struggle to trust anyone or anything in my life.
I question everyone's motives, peoples beliefs in me. My beliefs in them. Every situation.
I don't recognise myself. Or my life.
This is not how I imagined it to be.
This is not how my life is supposed to be.

When I made the decisions I did back in 2015 I knew I was doing the right thing. For me and for everyone.
I don't regret it one bit.
But I didn't realise just how hard my life would then be.

I didn't realise I would treat myself how I have and how I continue to treat myself.
Or that others would treat me how they have and how they do.
I didn't realise how lonely life can be.
How everyone else looks like they are getting on with life and how life has all these big exciting plans for them and me....I'm just here.

Lost. Alone. Scared. Overwhelmed.