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13.7.17

Your Beautiful Life

I love looking back on old Instagram posts. Reigniting certain memories. 
I've always been quite open about my life. Probably an oversharer to some, but I document the good and the bad days. And have never been bothered about doing that because it felt right.

In the last 3 weeks, I've gone back over Instagram and hardly recognised a lot of what I had previously posted. The quotes and the moments of feeling down, because I realised that it wasn't me. It was nothing significant, relevant and actually, my life was ok. I just had this tint over it, a negative tint, of something I was going through that was damaging me. That was making me blind to all of the good things in my life. Blind to who I am and what I deserved. 
I started to feel so negatively about myself. I stopped wanting to completely make an effort. I compared myself to so many other people. I thought I wasn't good enough. 
I thought I didn't deserve to be happy and wouldn't find myself someone who saw me as being beautiful. 

I was just this damaged person. Cracked and chipped. A cast off. A second. Not worth being a priority. Not worth much at all.

Looking through those posts made me feel sorry for that version of me who felt like that was real life. 
That person who doubted everything. Who felt emotionally, mentally controlled and bullied...when she shouldn't have been. 

And then it all changed, 3 weeks ago.  
When compliments from a stranger gave me a boost. When conversations about tattoos made me feel like I wasn't unattractive. When someone came along who wanted to get to know me. 
I couldn't quite believe it at first. As I looked at his photos and got butterflies in my tummy, and how I didn't want to stop texting him to get to know more about him.

In no time at all, I felt happy. I felt like I was worth so much more than I and felt in a while. 
A 4 hour walk along the beach, laughing, joking, with flirtatious knocking into him, and a little bit of hand holding, made my body feel so overwhelmed with happiness that I didn't quite know how to cope. 
A battle in my head occured. Was this real? Surely he didn't enjoy himself too? I waited for the message to say he wasn't into me.
2 and a half weeks on, that message still hasn't arrived. Instead, messages that make me smile the biggest smiles. Messages that make me feel good about myself. That make me feel important, wanted, attractive...

I've not felt so excited about life or so happy and content in a long time. 
I've not felt so strong but at the same time, so comforted and supported for a long time. 

This new me. The one who smiles more often than she cries. The one who wakes up everyday and looks forward to what each day brings. The one who looks back on the past week and feels happy by what has happened. 
The one who is excited for her future. Who appreciates how beautiful her life is and how it will only get better.

The me from the past, the one who would post sad things on Instagram, posts that I have now deleted to clear my head and to help forget about how I felt, I've turn the pages on her, and am so ready for this next chapter.