What NOT to say on a first date...Part One

As dating goes I've never really had a bad first date, until this year.
I feel like my good run of dating happened last year and now...well...3 first dates in 2 weeks and all gave me enough to make me want to write about them.

First of all lets look at the guy who had a drink waiting for me when I arrived, ok, slightly dodgy as he could have slipped anything in there but we shall gloss over that.
As I arrived he didn't stand up to greet me, no hug, nothing. Which was probably for the best but also an indication of what was to come.
Within 5 minutes he was telling me the "honest situation with him and his ex" and how they are still living together and until 5 days ago, has still been sharing a bed.
Clearly he hadn't read my profile stating I didn't want to meet anyone with an ex still on the scene in that way.
So as I sat there not quite knowing which facial expression to pull or how to fake my body language to not show how uncomfortable I was feeling, he then talked about threesomes.
5 minutes into the date he talked about threesomes!
Now, I'm an open kind of woman and will talk about sex, however, not 5 minutes into the date and not in the way he was telling me.

As we got onto the discussion of tattoos and piercings...I think I might have managed two words at this point, he let me know that his penis was pierced. And at one point was pierced three times.
Not only that, but he had pierced it himself, and only now had one piercing left in...he had a photo if I wanted to see.
I politely declined.

After a while of him still talking at me, we had gone inside. He gave me countless...COUNTLESS...facts about Whetherspoons and their evening processes, confidential information about their security and staff issues (and no, he didn't even work there!), kept giving staff an awkward thumbs up and head nod (which I tried to counteract with an awkward "help me" grin) we sat down and he discussed how he and his wife went to go through IVF.
I listened and was sensitive to this subject even though I wasn't fully in the room at that point and was wondering how the hell I was going to avoid an awkward goodbye at the end of the night.
I remember trying to focus on what he said and two sentences passed and I realised he had changed the subject. He mentioned not being able to do DIY to which I gave a little "awwww well nevermind. Not every man can"...assuming he meant putting a shelf up, changing a light switch...and then it clicked...he didn't mean that kind of DIY.
Holy sh....what do I say? What is he expecting me to say?! How can I get out of here?!
I somehow managed to giggle and stumble away from that conversation and the moment of him trying to hold my hands occured. Asking if my nails were sharp I dug them into the palm of his hand and as he went to then hold my hands I pulled away and made an awkward joke.

Thankfully, it was finally time to leave. I am far too nice so gave him a hug and then said how cold it was and with him walking one way I quickly walked swiftly to my car, totally unsure of what the hell I had just been through but also able to laugh about it and to be relieved that this is my first awkward first date and other than that...I was thankful that I didn't fancy him either.

Whilst he tried to text me the following morning I did a little of the small talk thing and then told him there was no "connection" or "spark" there for me so I wouldn't be seeing him again.
With a reply of "oh ok. no worries" I was grateful that experience was over.

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