20.9.18

Time and tolerance

Once upon a time there was a lady called Hayley. She is a blogger, however only now blogs every 18 months.
In 2013 I met Hayley at a blogging conference. To this day I believe I was meant to meet Hayley and it was completely down to fate. She gave me the gherkin from her McDonalds burger, and our friendship is still as strong to this very day.
So, in 2013 not only did Hayley have this big moment in her life of us meeting (and her giving me a tour of where she had vommed in London, listing a whole load of baby names that she loved to the point that I didn't actually know her actual children's names, and discussed with me how and if we would ever stop our younger children from breastfeeding) she also turned 30 a couple of weeks after we met.
Around this time, she said some words to me that I have never forgotten, and that I have quoted to myself countless times, and probably only in 2015 and this year have I actually lived by this quote.

"Since turning 30, I have no tolerance for bullshit"

Another friend of mine described me last year as "too nice" and she had a point.

There was a time last year that due to a variety of comments, of ways I was treated or spoken to by various people, treatment over a period of time, and due to personal circumstances, that I went to a really low point. That my depression hit a time when I wasn't sure who I was, who I was supposed to be, or how to live my simple everyday life.
Life felt really dark, I felt alone, lost and like I could never get better.

As I started to get better I knew that I couldn't just rely on tablets. I had to focus on other areas and to do what I could to get myself into the light again.
I used my faith and got into oracle cards to try and help myself.
And I realised that who I let into my life, and who I surrounded myself with, who I let control me, my thoughts, who I let impact me, needed to be a big focus and needed an overhaul.
"Since turning 30, I have no tolerance for bullshit"
I needed to remember that.

It got worse at one point and I realised that sometimes, to find strength within yourself, you have to use the block button.
Phones don't help do they? Whatsapp, Text messages, Instagram, Facebook and so on. I realised that to block people out of my life I had to block people on these platforms. As soon as that was done, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.
When these people have no way of getting in, of controlling, of making these snide comments, of digging away in any way they can, then life becomes easier. I was able to take control a lot more. And realised that these people were only able to get in because I let them.
"I have no tolerance for bullshit"

In November life became a lot better when a man entered my life and without trying he made such a big impact. When I realised that actually, being content with him, and the people I called my true friends, was all I needed.
I didn't need to try and have friendships with other people. I didn't need to have others to validate anything. Just those who actually made me feel like me. Who didn't make me question who I am. Or who didn't make me feel worthless or like I wasn't good enough for them.

I realised that I didn't have to let people get to me. I have had moments when I have felt low again but my boyfriend has become such a pillar of strength for me and is able to talk me down. To make me realise that other people don't matter.
I don't need to be anyone other than myself. And it doesn't matter if other people don't like me. Or don't like certain aspects of me. As long as those close to me, and those who matter to me, who I want in my life, are happy with me then others don't matter.

Those on the school run, those who you work with, the old school friends on Facebook, the people on Instagram who you have never met, those numbers in your phone of people who you no longer speak to.
Unless if they are true friends or have nothing but support for you, if you were no longer on the school run, no longer working where you work, no longer on Facebook, they don't really matter. Their opinions of you are irrelevant, their impact on your life should be minimal.

I think since making changes, I have been more control in my life. I have been low, and down. But I feel more in control of myself, of my thoughts, of what I deserve to be able to stand up for myself and say "I'm not doing that" and "It is important that I do this".
Life is short, life is important and I will no longer live it to please other people.

I have no tolerance for bullshit.


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