16.9.19

The Weekend 02

With weekends off work now I wanted to document not only Sundays, but the Saturdays too. I think that not only will this be a great way to document my life, but also to encourage me to actually do something and to not post "Stayed in bed with a book today" for every week.

Click on the image below to see other Weekend posts.



I'm starting my weekend post from the Friday evening this week rather than a Saturday as I usually would.
I took one of my best friends to the cinema on Friday to watch IT: Chapter 2 as it's her birthday next week and I won't be around to see her. We were a little early so popped to the pub for a glass of wine first then headed to the cinema. I loved the first film and was really looking forward to the second one, despite the not so great reviews I've seen.
I actually really enjoyed it. I felt it was a lot more "Stephen King-esque" than the first one in terms of the story. However I was not prepared for how jumpy it was. I think I jumped once when I watched the first one, and I lost count of how many times I jumped this time.

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12.9.19

34 Things That Make Me Happy

Last year I wrote "33 Favourite Things" to mark my 33rd birthday and this year I thought about a similar post I could write, to then make it a yearly tradition.
After a brainstorm with Hayley I finally decided on "34 Things that make me happy".

Antidepressants
TT/Isle of Man/Motorbike merch

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10.9.19

The Weekend 01

I used to write posts about how I spent my Sundays and I used to really like documenting them. Even if I didn't really get up to much.
With weekends off work now I wanted to document not only Sundays, but the Saturdays too. I think that not only will this be a great way to document my life, but also to encourage me to actually do something and to not post "Stayed in bed with a book today" for every week.

Click on the image below to see other Weekend posts.



The weekend just gone was one we have been looking forward to for quite a while. We've always wanted to go and watch Truck Racing at Snetterton but for whatever reason hadn't gone. After going to watch BSB there a few weeks ago I saw absolutely no reason to not go to the truck racing.
This weekend the truck racing was on and I decided for us to go on Saturday as it's cheaper. £16 for me to get in and the boys are free!

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2.9.19

Five Things: Isle of Man TT 2019

I had booked my ferry journey for the Isle of Man last year and ended up selling it thinking I wouldn't go. I had a boyfriend who wasn't keen on going and we had plans to go to other places so I sacrificed what I loved for that. Having not gone last year and the state I was in due to that (seriously, the sport and island mean that much to me) I knew it probably wasn't the best idea to not go but I really thought it would be worth it.
I still had the TT week booked off work and with the relationship ending I instead planned to take the boys away on a caravan holiday in the UK. Except a month before I had an email from the ferry company saying there were still spaces to be able to get over to the Isle of Man for TT week. I checked and there was availability for half term week. 
Despite always saying it was "my" thing and that I wasn't sure I would take my boys I went ahead and booked. I booked camping for the three of us at the usual camp site. Then phoned them in tears of happiness and excitement to tell them. 
They were surprisingly excited too (Charles more than Harry) which really made me feel like I'd made the right choice.
The holiday there was going to cost less than a caravan in England, plus with the added bonus of them experiencing the sport and getting to visit my favourite island, it was the most sensible decision really. 
Here are five of my highlights from this years Isle of Man TT.


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24.8.19

Focus

This month has been tough.
For various reasons and it got to the point where it has affected my mental health. My anti-depressants are getting me through everyday but there is still that feeling of "I'm not very well at the moment".
I don't particularly want to socialise with people, other than my children and my cats. I don't particularly want to leave the house, let alone my bed.
I'm running with those feelings and actually, if that's my bodies way of telling me that this is what I need to do right now then I trust it. I don't want to put myself in a situation that I can't cope with, could potentially make me feel worse or cause a panic attack.

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4.8.19

British Superbikes: Snetterton

A couple of weekends ago we did something a little different and tried something new.
Despite being a fan of the TT and a novice fan of Road Racing I've never really been interested in or looked at other kind of motorsports, especially anything like British Super Bikes. I've looked at it when it's been on tv but haven't been able to really get into it. However I do enjoy watching the odd clip on Facebook or YouTube.

We don't live too far away from Snetterton and driving past there to drive to Watford I noticed on the big Billboard that BSB was going to be there in July.
It wasn't my weekend with the boys and they were due to be with their dad, and I considered going by myself.
After thinking about it I asked if I could have them on the Sunday so they could come with me.
After seeing the price difference between Saturday and Sunday (Saturday £16, Sunday £35, boys were both free) I then decided to go on the Saturday and their dad kindly let me have them for the whole weekend.

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2019: THE SECOND QUARTER REVIEW

I really enjoyed writing and have since enjoyed looking back and reading my "2019: The First Quarter Review". So I thought it was something I should definitely continue with. We'll ignore the fact that this is 2 months late!

The second quarter has been a bit of a funny one.
In March I got a 6 month promotion with work which was a real eye opener and an amazing opportunity and I really enjoyed it despite having to constantly ask for work and to ask what I should be doing. I was head hunted for it and I think it was possibly rushed as there was no real clear indication or idea from anyone as to what I was really there for.

Due to an incident my boss left and I found myself as a spare part which wasn't a nice feeling but the team still made me feel welcome and gave me more to do. But the incident left me feeling awful. I questioned myself a lot in terms of who I am, what I did to deserve it and whether or not it was my fault for putting trust in someone and being so confident and comfortable with them.

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31.7.19

Avoiding "how are you?"

Do you ever find yourself avoiding that question?
"How are you?"
I've always been a bit too honest and too open about my life and "oversharing". Which I'm ok with. That's who I am and I can't and won't change that.
But as a result, I really struggle to answer "How are you?" when I'm not ok.

We ask people that, "how are you", as a standard form of opening conversation and I'm sure that more often than not, we don't want to hear "I'm not doing so well at the moment" because it opens up a different conversation and a different situation to what you were potentially going in to.
There are people who you might trust and feel comfortable enough with to want to say "I'm not ok" for them to actually think "I really don't care" or "please don't make this my responsibility". Because that's what I feel like I am doing.
As soon as I say "I'm not ok" I am passing some of the responsibility of "what can we do to make you ok?" onto people who actually don't need that in their life.

I was asked twice yesterday "How are you?" on text message and both times I managed to avoid it.

The first time by not mentioning it in my reply and the second time, by simply not replying.
But today I have to face that person and I know that I can't tell him "I'm great thank you, how are you?"
Because I'm not.

Since Sunday evening my eyes have filled without warning. My faith and confidence in everyone around me...my friendships and colleagues has been questioned constantly.
"What do they really think of me?"
When, in a matter of 5 months 3 people, (all unconnected to each other) who you have trusted, who have mattered to you in big ways have let you down so much and have shown their true colours, have shown what they really think of you, then you can't help but to wonder about everyone else.

I won't change for anyone. I've built the person I am and have discovered myself and who I really am the last 4 years and it is not an option to close away certain aspects of me, my behaviour, my actions and my thoughts for others.
If I'm not for you, then don't have me in your life. Let's not fake it.
Let's not have a friendship or relationship that is so good, where I feel like this person is ok with everything about me...when in the background, in your thoughts or conversations, you think the most terrible things about me.
Why have someone in your life when you think those things about them?

I do let people in too easily. I trust easily. I open up quickly.
Maybe it's one of my flaws.
But is it something I am going to change?
Absolutely not.

If my punishment for being confident, caring, open, trusting and a nice person is that people take advantage of me then so be it.
I'm not changing who I am because others can't handle it or haven't got them ability themselves to match up with it or to cope.

"How are you?"
I'm not ok.
And you can tell me in your standard response that the things those people, and others, have made me feel are not valid and are not true but I won't believe you.
Everything I wear, every word I say, every action, every response from me, I will assume is being judged because it has been by those three people who I trusted.

If you can't handle who I am, don't like it, don't like aspects of it.
Then leave.
That should be everyone's rule.

I would rather be alone, knowing I am exactly who I am, than to change myself for people who don't matter and who don't deserve me.


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