29.3.19

Pity

This week I faced the first and only real experience of pity with regards to my relationship break up.
Everyone else has said "I'm sorry to hear that" and "Are you ok?" but this week I felt was the first real feeling of pity.
Although quickly shooting it down, it came back again, another message of pity, and again, I shot it down, one more, and another shoot down.

I don't need pity.
And although it was probably meant with good intentions, at this point I did not need pity.
I didn't fight for my relationship, I didn't chase him for answers or to see what the hell was going on.
When you are with someone who constantly says "have faith in the relationship" "if you have something to talk about then you need to talk about it" and then knocks you down when you do talk about any issues you have, who doesn't work on those issues and thinks it's perfectly fine to treat someone so poorly that they feel like they are paranoid constantly and feels so confused about everything that has happened, then you don't want to fight.

"But you looked and seemed so happy". Yes, I was for some of it. But sift through, look and the obvious stands out. On Instagram in particular, the messages of "I'm not happy" of "I'm not strong enough to cope with this" of "Why am I not good enough" of "I am so lost".
Those messages that were a cry for help, but I wasn't sure who I really wanted help, or attention from. It was clear the person I needed it from didn't really care that much about those, or chose to ignore them.

I didn't deserve that.
No one deserves that.
Constantly questioning what you mean to someone, and when you dare to question them being told you are paranoid.

I am so much stronger now.
I'm not saying it was a bad relationship, but it's an interesting one to look back on. To take myself away from being in that relationship and instead to look in on it is a real eye opener.
I'm not negative about things like that, really I'm not. Any relationship I am in, or friendship, that ends I like to look back and rather than look at the negatives, to instead learn from it.
Who was I? Who did I become? What did I gain? What did I lose?

I don't need pity. Or want it.
I don't want anything.
I don't want praise, or confirmation that I did the right thing. Or someone telling me to find out why he did what he did, or what he didn't do.

If anything, I want acknowledgement of being strong enough, aware enough, sassy and feisty enough to go "This isn't happening to me" and "I know my worth".

I don't want, need, or deserve pity.

Give pity to those who aren't strong enough to know their worth, who beg and plead with those who are controlling and abusive enough to make other believe they are needed, wanted. The ones who can't step out and know that they are worth so much more than someone who makes them question so much about their life.

I don't feel heartbroken.
I don't feel hurt.
I am not suffering.
I know my worth.
I know my strength.

I don't need pity.
Pity the person who doesn't understand how to treat people properly.
Pity the person who loses someone who loved them no matter what.
They are the ones who have lost.

I have won. Because I am stronger than ever.
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