1.4.19

2019: The First Quarter Review

I'm always trying to think of different ways I can blog my life, my experiences and my years. Gosh that sounds so ridiculous. I do find it so awkward when someone says "What do you blog about?" "erm....myself?!"

I just had this thought come to me though that, as my plan of monthly posts and actually blogging in general seems to have taken a back seat if not completely failed, that I could at least write a quarterly review of 2019 so far.

Already it feels like 2019 has been an interesting year. Just 3 months in.
And my goodness not for anything negative at all really.

I didn't think, however am not at all surprised, to find myself single in 2019. However I am surprised and proud at how I have not let that break up affect me negatively whatsoever.
If last year (probably the first half of it) you'd have said to me "You'll be single next year" I would have been devastated.
I have some happy memories of course, but I think that looking back, I didn't grow as a person during that relationship, but can leave it thinking "I am not going to worship anyone like I did him" for a while and in fact, won't chase a man for a while because I have a lot to give, and I am so ridiculously loyal to someone who I love but I think it's about time someone earns that love, that loyalty and that worship than for me to give it so freely.

I think I will always be that person who wants to be with someone they can "fix" or with someone who needs me in some kind of way but maybe that's not what I need. Maybe being with someone who is easy, and who can be as much as I can be is enough and is what I need.
I definitely have a different outlook on dating and on relationships and what I will allow and accept and I am SO IMMENSELY proud of who I am and of how I will stand up for myself when not treated right....even if it is an odd way of standing up for myself but revenge is revenge.

I am stronger in terms of knowing what I need to do to not be a crazy, chase-y psycho when it comes to dating. And I've got my own rules of what I do, and what I don't do. Which actually I might post separately one day.
I'm also very aware of how the dating game changes so quickly in such a short amount of time and am proud, if not surprised, at how clued up I am of the new tricks and ways in which some (not all, I don't like to generalise as I'm sure women do this too) men show their interest...which doesn't always show their full intentions.

I've become a better mum.
Oh my goodness I have, I really have and I know it.
I am more hands on. I am more aware, more alert and I've not felt this overwhelming want and need to be the absolute best person in all ways for my children.
There are new challenges and I have faced them head on. Independently and I am so proud of that.
Parenting is a double act but sometimes you have to go "I can do this with or without you" and that's the stance I have taken.
I have gained so much personally from motherhood this year than I thought I would and if no one else is then I am proud of myself at least.

I've been a lot more wise and a lot more alert of life in general. Getting car things sorted, actually making my house a lot more like home. I'm sitting in my lounge now with plants and flowers around my fireplace, shelving units put up in the alcoves and a new Welsh dresser and I feel so content. So cosy and content.
It surprised me how much having someone removed from my life could switch me back on to what I want and how I want to live.
It amazed me how much someone else could have influenced my life so much without me noticing or realising.

What has become apparent, again not something I really expected, is the female friendships I have. I've never been into sisterhood that much, and generally I prefer the friendship of a man BUT "men can't be friends with women"...at least "a man can't be friends with a single woman"...blah blah bore off...Anyway, female friendships seem to be stronger and more prominent then ever at the moment.
There are particular friends who I truly don't know if I could be without and who have just been incredible. I think that they have given me a lot but I also believe that I am in their lives to bring something too.
I've never really felt that sense of confidence of you need me as much as I need you but I really do in three of these cases at least.

I think my word choice for 2019, "Be", has been such a good word for the year and has been perfect for how life has gone and for how I am choosing to live, to think and to....be.

If the rest of 2019 continues like this then my goodness, I cannot wait to see what my full year review will be.
Confident, sass, strong, feisty with a touch of vulnerability. That's who I want to be.
And that's the life I am living right now.

The first quarter of 2019, thank you.
I needed you to be exactly how you've been.



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