23.6.19

To Be Good Enough

Dating really sucks sometimes.
Find someone, have a conversation, one asks another on a date, then coming up with an idea of what to do for the first date, of deciding what to wear, and then the doubts of "Will they like me?" "What if I don't like them?" "What if I really like them but they don't like me?"

I've realised that maybe I'm not good at realising if someone likes me, and am the kind of person who needs that clarification pretty much straight away.
It determines how I conduct myself during and at the end of the date, as well as afterwards. Not just in terms of how I act, how I talk and how much of myself I give, but also mentally.

That moment when you say goodbye, walk away and have no idea if they liked you too, if they want to see you again, is horrible.
The time between saying goodbye and waiting patiently (or impatiently) for a message to come to almost give you that feedback, to give you a score, to build you up or to gently let you down.
Then there are those who say they do want to see you again, who build you up, and then just stop talking.
With no explanation.

It's hard.
It's hard to not look at yourself and to look at all the bad things.
Is it my face?
It is my tattoos?
Is it my weight?
Is it my dark hair?
Is it the way I dress?
Is it my personality?

"You're amazing though"
"You're great"
"You are so funny"
"You are such a lovely person"

So what do I need to do to change?
What do I need to do to be good enough? To be like those other women who are desirable? Who are worthy and deserving?
Why can't that be me?

I can't help but to go through my history. To work out where things were different. To work out where I went wrong, when or why did I become the person who is "amazing/great/funny/lovely" but not worth anything more?

As much as I say I can take a break from it, work on myself, focus on other things, I am just the kind of person who needs someone else.
I am not ashamed of that.
I'm not ashamed that I feel like I need someone.
Like I am a whole when I have someone beside me.

But fuck.
Right now.
I feel like I have to accept that maybe, maybe that's never going to happen for me.
That maybe I am not destined to be that person.
The one who has happiness with someone else.
That my life is destined to be single and lonely.
And if that's the case then so be it. I'll learn to accept it.
And if it isn't...then I will learn what I have to change about myself, about who and what I am, to be good enough for someone.

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