7.10.19

She Breaks

She laid on her bed. The light off. The evening darkness rolling in, the only light coming from the opening in her curtains.
She listened to the cars outside. To the rain hitting the window.
She looked out at the glittering light bouncing on the raindrops resting against the glass.

She hadn't felt like this for a while.
Empty.
Lost.
Like she doesn't know who she is.

Only this afternoon was she thinking how badass she felt and how for the first time in so long she felt as though she could achieve anything. Like all the plates were spinning in time.
Confident in everything she does. Confident in her full control in every area of her life.
Confident in her choices.

And then suddenly it went dark. Not black. But dark.
She was reminded of how hard things can be. The challenges. The lack of support.
The feeling alone and feeling like it's her against this big monster. The monster that chases her that, for a while, seemed to be a big distance away.

And for a moment she laid there. Scared because she can't remember how this feels.
There have been some horrible moments this year. And it's been dark before but she managed to get through it.
She managed to be strong enough to crush her way out.
But right now she feels like she is still falling and there is so much darkness set to come.

She lays there in the dark and hears the cars driving past.
The rain now nothing but drops on the window and puddles on the road.

Tomorrow things will be better. She tells herself.
She reminds herself that despite the dark she will put on that mask and smile and not let anyone see the cracks underneath.
The fact that despite having a hold on some of her life, she feels confused about other areas.
About areas that are now grey and cloudy and empty.
And the areas which she feels she is clingy onto so bad.

And then.
Her eyes fill with tears.
Her heart races.
Her tummy clenches and there is the feeling almost like butterflies.
The warm tears fall down her face.
Alone.
She breaks. 


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