31.12.19

"You want the moon?"

One of my favourite movie quotes is the above from George Bailey in 'It's a Wonderful Life'. I rarely like romance films but this one got me so much that I have made two prints of the quote for my bedroom wall and have a moon with a lasso around it tattooed on me.

When you're on dating sites you get asked a lot what you're looking for. I worked out a while ago that it doesn't matter what you say, no one is interested.

I think when you're single for so long, even if that is broken up by a year long relationship which ends with total disrespect despite...and I can say this with full confidence, me being an amazing girlfriend, you do start to question where YOU are or have been going wrong.

Do you want the impossible? Are you expecting too much?

I've always thought I was quite laid back. I've never expected a relationship status change on date 2, a diamond on date 3 and a pregnancy test on date 4.
In fact marriage and children have never been anything I've expected or made anyone feel pressure about.

I want to go into 2020 with some kind of clear vision I guess. (lol at a 2020 vision pun I won't make).

I'm at the point where I want a relationship, but I don't want the pointless ego boosting swiping on Tinder and Bumble. The awkward first messages, the "I can just come to yours" instead of an actual first date.

George, I don't want the moon.


I want someone who is proud of me, proud to be with me. Proud to show me off, as I would be of them.
Someone who wants to shout to the world "Look at her!"

I want someone who checks in on me during the day. Not because they don't trust me, but to see how I am. Or just to send a message with a simple heart on it, to let me know I was on their mind.

I want someone who see's the good in me. Who can see what I have to give and will let me give it.

I want someone who will let me love them hard (but not to a "Joe Goldberg" level)

I want someone who will nap with me...or will let me nap on them...or who will nap on me. Either way...naps are important.

I want someone who is willing to see and understand everything about me. About who I am.

I want someone who will look for me in a crowded room.

I want someone who wants to spend as much time as possible with me.

I want someone who wants to make memories with me. However small and simple they are.

I want someone who let's me be me, but accepts that when I am yours I am YOURS and that I am fiercely loyal (f**k you Georgia Steel).

I want someone who will laugh with me...or at me.

I want someone who will look at me with love, admiration and pride.

I want someone who can accept my flaws and not see past them, but can work with me on them.

I want someone to hold me accountable.

I want someone who, when they hold me in their arms, feels like the right fit. Where nothing feels out of place or wrong or awkward.

I want to be someones priority. I've never been that, not even when I was married.

I want someone to be part of a team with, a team where we can make each other happy.

I want someone to make me feel special. Someone who I can make feel special.

I just want someone to just love me. No matter what. 

Quote from 'The Fault in Our Stars'.
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26.12.19

2019: THE FINAL QUARTER REVIEW

It always feels like starting a blog project is such a big commitment. There have been various that I have started or have wanted to start but then never followed through with.
In March I decided that instead of writing monthly update posts, to instead write "Quarter Reviews".
I've really enjoyed doing it and it's been lovely looking back over a 3 month period and is definitely something I will continue into next year.

So the last 3 months have just been....wonderful. It's so nice to be able to look back and smile and to have so many lovely, happy memories.

I got my first speeding ticket...not a happy memory. And also had a rather 'meh' moment due to a smear test result and biopsy coming back abnormal but the positive from this....I didn't feel the anxiety and fear I once would have done. I surprised myself and other than one 10 minute breakdown when I first got the results I then went through the biopsy and the cell removal procedure with very little worries.
The results came back that there was something there but caught in time so I'm grateful, SO grateful for smear tests.

My absolute highlights and the top top best bits have definitely been seeing James Arthur at the Apollo and seeing Dermot Kennedy at the UEA in Norwich. I'd been looking forward to seeing them both for so long and they didn't disappoint. In fact seeing James Arthur made me like him even more!
Music has been such a big part of my life, well always really, but especially this year and as a result these two 'gigs' (I got in trouble for calling them concerts...only old people call them concerts now) were super special and a bit thing for me.

December was busy with various Christmas social things with work which meant staying in Watford on 3 occasions.
The first time, I came home and just felt so depressed. To the point I went to my mums house to take her to the bus station when she went to visit my brother and I just broke down.
Working in Watford has been such an amazing experience this year, and a big part of that is down to the people who work there and who I would like to consider friends and I guess because I am a loser I come home and miss being around them. Even 5 minutes in a office with them can bring my mood up so high.
That feeling of being accepted by people who you look up to, who are influential and just all round amazing people is so overwhelming to me.

Another high from the last 3 months was feeling a lot more confident in who I am, choices I make, how I should, or shouldn't, be treated and actually feeling strong enough to walk away from situations that I don't want to be a part of. And not being afraid to say "I deserve better".

I guess I didn't really want to end the year single BUT I've spent a lot of the year reflecting on what I want, who I want, and what is important to me. Maybe it's something I'll focus on next year. Maybe it isn't?

I will see in the New Year with my children and to me that ends the final quarter perfectly.
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3.12.19

She thought, "If I close my eyes I can't cry"

She laid on her bed, her pillow arranged in such a way that she could cuddle it for comfort.
Curtains pulled closed.
The world shut out.
She felt them start, brewing away. The warmth and the tingle rising.

She thought...
"If I close my eyes they won't appear"
"If I close my eyes they won't fall"
"If I close my eyes, I can't cry"

She closed her eyes gently at first, then tighter. Head buried in the pillow as extra protection.

The tears couldn't break through. And with those under control, all she had to do was breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
That's it. That's all she had to do.
Then she would be ok.

Calm, so she thought, she kept her eyes closed.
"If I sleep this will all go away"
"If I sleep I won't feel this anymore"

Hearing a noise, she opened her eyes.
And then she realised, you can cry with your eyes shut.
One. Two. Three. Four.
Heavy, warm tears fell from her eyes and down her face, onto the pillow.
Taking her by surprise.
She left her eyes slightly open, letting the remaining tears roll down her cheeks, no longer holding them in.

Knowing there was nothing to comfort her she slowly closed her eyes.
"If I sleep this will all go away"
"I can't cry if I sleep".


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