2.1.20

Dear 2020

Looking over my ‘Dear 2019’ post I actually felt really proud of myself.
“in 2019 I am going to make me more important. 
Looking after myself, my needs, my wants, my feelings. Make me a priority and to look after myself, no matter what the consequences are.”
“I've not had the best start to the year, but, I will not let that define how my year will be. 
It doesn't mean that this is how my year will be, and in fact has made me realise that it is down to me to guide what happens, down to me to decide on what controls my life, and down to me to react in the way best for me.”
“2019, I want you to be my year of focus on me. On happiness, being content, secure, confident and sure that everything I do is for me.”

I don’t want this to be a post on reflecting over 2019, but looking back on what I wrote last year, I confidently feel like I achieved that...or at least achieved it enough to feel satisfied.

So, going into 2020. I pretty much want to do the same again. 
I feel like this might be the first year I actually quite like myself and feel strong enough to say that there isn’t much I need to change about who I am. 
Like it might be the first year I can feel strong enough to say "Don't like me, that's on you" rather than "Don't like me? WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME?? WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE?!" 
I would rather be alone than to be surrounded by or close to people who don't see the good in me, who take more than they give and don't see friendship as equal. 

I feel like I've prepared myself for 01/01 for a few weeks and my head is strong(ish) and ready to go for what I envisage. 
Already I've started a massive declutter on my house and can't wait for a work free and child free weekend this weekend to tackle the remainder of what is left from the Christmas bomb that went off. 

2015 was the year my marriage ended.
2016 and 2017 was a desperate search for men to date and for attention I was sure I wanted and needed.
2018 spent in a relationship that although had it's good moments, looking back was mentally draining and not what I deserved.
2019 saw the end of that relationship, trying to navigate dating again, giving up and trying again twice to only realise that it really isn't for me right now. 
2020 will be my year of stepping away from that and standing by my "if it's meant to happen it will happen". If someone is meant to be in my life then they will be. All I can do is be clear of what I deserve and what I can give and only let someone in my life who also deserves to be in it. If it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. I certainly won't spend another year chasing or looking for something that maybe isn't right for me. Even if it is tempting to chase or if it's hard to let someone go. 

I'm ready to accept and face challenges because life has them. We all hit hard times and hard moments, there's no point denying or even pretending they won't happen but with a clearer mindset and being able to focus more I hope I'm strong enough to face whatever comes my way. And if I'm not? I'll learn from it and gain strength. 

I want to make more memories. I want 2020 to be even better than 2019 when it comes to experiences and creating memories with my children, my friends but even just by myself. 
It's been great to look back at 2019 and to have memories with so many people but memories that may mean nothing to others, but mean so much to me. And I want that, but bigger. I want more of them. Because I know it's possible now and I know that it doesn't take much. 
That the smallest moments can end up as the best memories. 



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