Birthday List: Number 27

As my birthday creeps ever closer I have already set myself the task of writing my Birthday Present Wishlist. I've made a Birthday and Christmas list every year since I can remember. I don't expect everything on my list, but I find it easier to say to someone "here's my list" if they ask me what I'd like. That way they get me something they know I'll appreciate and like, or can get me vouchers for stores they can see would suit me from my list.

I won't even get a quarter of what's on this list but anything I don't get will then be added to my Christmas list.
One thing on this list was on last years Birthday and Christmas list so I'm desperate for it this year (Fingerprint Charm)
I know I am getting 1 from the list from my mum, I am far too good at guessing  and ruined my surprise...as I always do. (I should be a detective)

I have a feeling that a couple of things will end up being birthday presents to me, from me, as I am so desperate for them.
Brat? Me? Never.
Fussy? Maybe.



Another Fab Family Day Out

A couple of weeks ago we discovered a fantastic place to visit. We've been members of English Heritage since September(ish) last year and so far felt disappointed. Until we found Castle Acre Priory.
We immediately fell in love with the place and so did the boys.

We went back on Sunday to have a picnic and let the boys run around. The staff are always so welcoming and we felt so comfortable there.
We had a posh picnic, set up our suntent and took Charles' football so the boys could have a kick about.

I sat and watched my boys and husband and realised how lucky I am.

We played within the ruins and Charles pretended to be a chef and then a shopkeeper.

We discovered a stairway which we missed last time and Charles was amazing. I'm not good with steps and as he guided me up I said "Look Charles, we need to go back, mummy is stuck" and he said "Mummy, do you want some help. Here's my hand" and helped me up the stairs.
As we got to the top he turned round and said "there's three more steps ok. Oh, and there's a butterfly" And took my hand to help me up the last few steps.
He then told me about how beautiful the rooms were upstairs and was a little tour guide.

Country Kids from Coombe Mill Family Farm Holidays Cornwall


Home Grown

Sometimes in life it's the little things which can really make you smile, or excite you or make you feel so proud.
This might seem silly to some but I spotted this little guest on our apple tree recently. Yes, it's an apple. But seeing as our apple tree is still so young and was only planted towards the end of last year we are really excited and impressed.
Although, I did wonder if it was a hoak as it seemed to just appear from out of nowhere.

He's a little bit lonely at the moment so I can't wait for the tree to be fully grown and full of more round green treats.



The Best Cure on a Hot Day

After visiting the Maize Maze yesterday there was nothing better than to immediately set up the paddling pool as soon as we arrived home. The boys jumped straight in, both got soaked, and despite Harry's face in the photos he was loving it and would not get out. He kept laying down, rolling around, getting up and jumping back down.

There really is nothing better than a paddling pool full of cold water on a very hot summers day.



A Very Hot, A-Maze-ing Day

 We went to a local Maize Maze today to celebrate one of Charles' friends third birthday.
The weather was over 30 degrees and stupid me decided to wear skinny jeans! Which I soon regretted.
If you ever saw the episode of Friends where Ross wore leather trousers....that!

Despite being so hot my two boys enjoyed the couple of hours we were there. They both played in the sand pit and the various toys available and whilst we walked around the maze Harry slept and Charles explored. At various times we thought we were lost but I used my super dooper direction skills and raced ahead and found the exit!

The journey home was a bit of a nightmare. I found some lovely country roads but Charles was sick. I think due to the hot weather.
We had a fab couple of hours though, it was a shame it ended so soon but we may go back simply so the boys can play in the sand pit and other toys without me worrying so much about them escaping due to the wooden fence keeping them in.

We were grateful for our padding pool when we got home.


Country Kids from Coombe Mill Family Farm Holidays Cornwall


Small Steps and Giant Leaps

 I didn't think I'd still be writing about anxiety. I wanted it all to be fixed or coped with by now. I wanted to be over it, or if not over it at least to the point that I wouldn't want or need to talk about it.

I feel like my foot work is all over the place. I'm constantly taking small steps or giant leaps. Feeling like I'm getting somewhere then taking a wrong turn and having to head back before I can restart.

I have a therapy plan at the moment. I am currently going through low intense CBT and exposure therapy. Basically exposing myself to problems and issues.
I love the idea of it. I really do.
But in practise, I feel it's not going to work and that so far it's sent me backwards.
Before I would panic about certain things. Now I find I am panicking about panicking.
I'm having to think about things more often which is making my head feel so heavy.
I'm having panic attacks again, which I rarely had. In one week I had 2 every day. I really wanted it to work.
It also doesn't help that my appointments are over the phone, are limited to 30 minutes, and aren't regular dates (ie not every week/2 weeks)
I've currently got a 4 week break between appointments. I've done very little for my next one, because I feel like I might as well just do it at the last minute. I've got to put myself in situations in which I am facing a fear or making myself feel anxious, in 4 weeks there is a lot I can do yet I won't have enough time to talk about these. So I don't really feel I am getting help, when really its about helping myself.
Let's be honest, I'm basically doing what I was doing (going to the zoo etc) only now rating it and thinking "hmmm am I scared?" and the result is normally "yes". The reason for that in some cases may be because I'd simply just put that idea in my own head by thinking about it.
I can see myself going down the "just fake it" route by telling the therapist that it's all working and I'm better just so they don't think I'm being stupid or difficult.

I also made a step in confessing all this to a friend. I thought it would help to share and to have someone there for me, not particularly to understand but to just be there to listen and support really.
I regret this now. Without going into details I have realised how selfish people can be.
You know something is wrong in life when online friends are nicer, kinder, and so much more reliable than real life friends!

Today, whilst having a moment where my anxiety was going mad again, I did something I've been wanting to do for a week, I made a giant leap and finally emailed someone I found on Google for an alternative therapy. It could be costly but my wonderful husband has said he will fund it. I'm really hoping the person I contacted will get back soon and say that this therapy is suited to me and that we can work together.

I was really proud to have used that adrenaline and fired up moment to then make myself send the email.

So, at the moment life is all about small steps and giant leaps. I want to set myself a goal of not feeling anything like this as we go into 2013 but at the moment I need support, from professionals, which is quite unreliable and without that, I'm by myself again.


An Evening at the Races.

I detest boy racers. I'm not that interested in cars. And sports, well, sport is boring.
Yet I seem to have found an interest in something I never, ever thought I would be interest in. Stock Car and Banger Racing.
The adrenaline at hearing the engines roaring, the smell of the burning rubber and fuel, the competitive atmosphere, all building up make me feel really excited! I actually enjoy watching what is essentially boy racers racing cars around a track. Of course the demolition derby is always the highlight of the night. Two weeks ago we saw the best example of this as all the cars wanting to be involved came out for one last race until there was one left standing out of a total of around ten.
It was amazing.

This week they had Double Deckers. Not buses. Double Decker cars. Or in one of the entrants case, a triple decker!
The end race was with the three men involved coming back but one of the cars wouldn't start so it was between two in the end. And, of course, one ended up on it's side...right in front of us. Queue excited squeals from me....although then panic that the driver was hurt and that the car would blow up.
Little did we know it would take them so long to be able to recover the car......and whilst the majority of the other spectators had gone we were left watching to make sure the car was ok. This was at Charles' request. He had to know the car was recovered ok, if not I would have heard about it for days.

He also said, quite loudly, that he would have been able to fix the car much quicker and should have taken his own screwdriver, drill and spanner.


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