28.4.14

The Temporary Friend

I've mentioned many times before about my bad luck when it comes to friendships. For a while I didn't learn my lesson, and learn from previous experiences.
I have a habit of letting people straight in, letting them get really close and giving my all, and then realising that they were the wrong person to do that with. They would treat me horribly, try and control me, bully me, have me almost worship them, take me for granted and just drain all of my energy.
That person then walks away, head held high, completely unaffected. I, on the other hand, am left broken again. Picking myself up, putting myself back together, going over what went wrong. Blaming myself, bullying myself just as those others did, picking out my bad points.

Last year I made a lot of changes in my life. Changes to do with how I was treated by friends and family. I started to really think about what I should and shouldn't have to deal with, who or what was important, and how or if it would affect my future, my husbands future or my boys future.
I had to make sacrifices and in cutting out some people from your life you do lose others, but rather than being offended by that or taking it personally, I took it in a positive way because it was clear that the "follower" was not worth my time, effort or energy either.
My main motto of last year was "You Don't Deserve This" and my mum would regularly remind me of those words.
I would go to her if I was having issues with anyone and she would say "You don't deserve this" or "you don't deserve that" and it wasn't until January this year, when I looked back on 2013, that I realised that those words really summed up my year.
It was about me looking at what I deserved, how I deserved to be treated, and how I deserve my life to be.

For me it's not as simple as walking away from friendships and relationships. I never get over the hurt. I constantly replay things that have been said or done over and over, trying to make sense of it, trying to find an answer as to why it happen. And trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, although I constantly feel it was because that's what bullies do, they control your way of thinking and can somehow turn you against yourself.
You believe you are this rubbish person, a rubbish friend. You stick up for yourself and for once in however many years choose to think about yourself, putting your own safety and mental health, and enjoyment, first but to that one bully you are the most awful person because you are not completely forgetting about yourself. You should be putting them first.
I had one moment when I felt like this, to the point that for almost 2 weeks I would cry almost everyday, I felt trapped, I would shake, I was scared of one person. Scared of how they made me feel.
I bully myself, as much as I am convincing myself that I am not the one with the problem or issue this person has managed to poison my mind into believing that actually yes, I am awful.

Finding the courage to walk away from any friendships or relationships is hard, especially when you know that you will never be completely rid of them for whatever reason. They will always be there in the background.
And even though they are not directly in your life, you know they are there. You can almost feel them watching you, knowing what they are saying about you, thinking about you and you always feel on edge.
You panic about going to certain places, speaking to certain people and you realise that although you've let that person go, you have cut them out of your life, they will always be there. You let them in and there is no way to rid yourself of them completely.

It's hard to live like that. To never be free.
My trust in others is at an all time low, but at the same time, I still let people in. I have a constant battle in my head. One part telling me that I can trust these new people and to let my guard down and tell them everything, one part tells me that this person cannot be trusted, do not let them in at all, and another part that trusts only so much and questions everyone.
They all battle for power and I end up making massive mistakes. And hurt myself again. And the doubt sets in.
And it makes me feel drained and down. And angry. At myself and at others. But mostly angry at myself.
I feel guilty that I have friends in my life that I adore, they make me happy, they make me laugh, they make me feel like me, but deep down, and more often than not, that side of me that questions everyone will win the battle and will try to convince me that these people don't like me. They pity me. They find me annoying, immature, irritating, and all the others words you can find in a thesaurus to describe annoying.
These people can't be trusted, they are friends with the people I have let go and it's all a big plan to make me say things, to stir up trouble for me and the others who have let me down before.

Although now writing this has triggered that side of me that questions people, and doubts everyone, I can also say that I feel guilty for having those thoughts.
I feel guilty because if, yes IF, anyone genuinely likes me (even if you say you like me and you are my friend I don't believe it) then it's really awful of me as a friend to then doubt them and to not trust me. Because if it was the other way round, and the people I really like and consider a friend said to me that they think I actually don't like them I would be upset. And angry, and really quite offended.
Yet there's part of me that makes me feel that way about others. That they really pity me. 
I always feel like there is something in the way of the friendships I so desperately crave. Somethings that can be fixed or amended, but some also that can't.

I long to have that feeling in my heart where I can truly believe that yes, someone may actually like me. They may actually want to be my friend, they may actually want to spend time with me and they don't pity me. They may be trustworthy and may want so desperately to have me in their lives.
But my heart feels full of doubt.

I don't want to be people's second thought anymore, the forgotten one or the one who will "do". The spare part. The temporary friend, until the next victim comes along, or indeed the perfect person. The perfect person you were being groomed to be. 
And you are left broken. Picking up the pieces, trying to remain strong but really you feel heavy, and like something so delicate which has been smashed into so many pieces, which you know will never go back where they should go. 
And you are back to the stage where you need to fix yourself again. You have to build yourself up again. And after a while you have the doubts again. The "what is the point?" thoughts.
"What is the point in me putting all this effort into building myself up to be knocked down again. To be someone else's temporary friend".

Always the temporary friend.
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27.4.14

Happy Sunday | Week Nine



Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

A Skype Session

On Easter Sunday I woke with an awful migraine, but my day was made slightly better by a Whatsapp message from my brother asking if I wanted to chat on Skype later. He bought me a Webcam for my birthday 2 years ago so we can Skype but we haven't used it much. Harry was having a nap and my husband was doing some work on the boat so myself and Charles had a lovely catch up with my brother for 20 minutes. It really makes me feel so happy just talking to him on Whatsapp so to be able to actually speak to him and see him is even better. I couldn't stop smiling after.

Mum-Me Time

On bank holiday Monday I headed to Norwich with my mum for a day of shopping, a meal out and then a trip to the theatre. Before I had children we would go shopping a lot, especially to Norwich when I was actually pregnant, and we would have lots of trips to the theatre, something we don't do so much now because I don't have enough money now with not working. It was a really special treat and after having a tough time recently I really felt like I desperately needed some time away.


A Haircut

I get really anxious when it comes to visiting the hairdressers. I try to put it off but then comes the moment when my hair is almost screaming at me to get it sorted.
With a weekend away planned meeting up with friends I wanted to look at least a little bit decent. Although I hate having it cut and can't wait for it to end the results are always good and I leave feeling a lot better.
This time it was a bigger cut than I planned and I ended up getting a lot of it cut off. I'm so pleased with the results. My hairdresser was spot on with the image I showed her of how I wanted it.

Friends

This week has involved a lot of catching up and "getting to know you" trips with friends.
On Wednesday Harry and I went to the zoo with a friend I've made on the school run, and her 2 year old daughter. It was lovely to see Harry with another child as he has very little interaction with children other than his brother.We went at 12.30 and left at 2.45 to get the older children from school.
The following day my friend who I went to school with, then became proper friends with because she had a baby just after I had Charles and is now Harry's Godmother, came round and we had a lovely catch up. She now has a 1 year old daughter who Harry loves and kept wanting to give cuddles to.
And this weekend, I am spending time with some other friends.
It's been lovely having company this week and makes me feel kind of wanted. Which is nice.
And this...which made me laugh.

Anniversary

It was our 9th wedding anniversary this week. We couldn't get a babysitter so instead my husband made us a 3 course meal of prawn cocktail, steak and peppercorn sauce, and pavlova, with a bottle of pink sparkley stuff. We watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and I *might* have fallen asleep on the sofa 5 minutes before the end.
My husband went to the supermarket to get some bits for dinner and came home with some beautiful flowers for me. I love supermarket flowers and I really love this bouquet. It really brightens the lounge up.


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22.4.14

A Night Away on the Broads

The Easter holidays were very exciting indeed, and busier than I thought they would be with lots of trips to the boat to sort "stuff" and have a play.
My husband booked Saturday off work and on Good Friday we headed to the boat, met with our sailing instructor and planned to have a sailing lesson to follow the one we had had on the Tuesday. Unfortunately it was too windy for us as beginners so we didn't get to put the sails up but thanks to an engine we are able to explore the Broads in any weather. My husband and the instructor looked at the mast, the ropes and the sails to check everything over whilst the boys and I sat inside watching other boats motor and sail past.
Once we had dropped off our instructor and waved goodbye my husband had many trips to the car to get all of the stuff we needed for a couple of nights on the boat. We were all really excited to sleep on her and find fun places to moor up and also strangely excited to have the challenge of what to eat with limited cooking space.
With boxes full of Pot Noodles, 'just add water' pastas, pies, beans, 'just add water' porridge (soooo yummy) and a fridge with homemade lasagne we filled the drawers and made ourselves at home.

We sailed around, practised using the motor and mooring up, Harry slept and Charles was the best Captain there ever was.
We found the spot we wanted to moor up for the night. A nice space with no one else around until a big group joined later on but were a little way up the bank so didn't disturb us too much.
We cooked the lasagne and some garlic bread in our little oven, had a beer (just my husband and me of course) and listened to music, including some 1930's songs to fit in with the history of the boat.
We listened out for any birds we could hear and both myself and my husband got really excited when we heard a Bittern. It was quite an amazing sound and must have been quite close as we heard it quite clearly and quite a few times, even in the morning.
Then came bed time. We put the boys in their onesies, they played a lot in their big bed at the front and eventually we all fell asleep.

Then it went a big wrong.
12.30 I was woken by a 2 year old white as a sheet (a white sheet of course) and freezing cold. His juice had spilt in his sleeping bag and he was soaking wet. So off went his onesie and on went trousers, t shirt and a jumper because I hadn't packed a spare pair of pjs as I didn't think we would need any.
With his sleeping bag wet I pulled mine from my berth and joined him and Charles at the front. We snuggled down and he started to cough, I knew what was coming next.
He was sick. All over himself, all over my top, and my sleeping bag. We managed to get him into the toilet where he continued and as I tried to clear up the mess, trying not to panic at the small space, and now severe lack of bedding and clothing.
I got him changed...again and just put a jumper on myself. I managed to make my sleeping bag more of a duvet, moving the messy bit to the bottom and on the top (you're welcome for the detail) and Harry chose to sleep in my berth towards the back of the cabin. Thankfully we have 2 big wool rug blankets which I was able to put over him and he was really warm.
We all then woke up at 8am.

We enjoyed a cup of tea, a lovely warm porridge and a beautiful view of the Broads. We had another explore around, again using the motor, and decided that due to my sleeping bag situation we would have to return home. If it was just down to Harry's wet onesie we would have just popped to the nearby Asda to pick him up another but we had no choice.
We stayed moored up on the boat for the afternoon. Enjoyed lunch on the boat of sandwiches, and a tuna pasta salad. My husband and Charles stood on the deck and admired the other sailors going past, all in different boats, all of different ages.

Although we were all disappointed to be leaving early we've certainly learnt a few things for next time. We also know that if we can sleep on the boat when it's as chilly as it was, then the Summer will not be a problem at all.
The trip certainly had it's ups and downs but I'm learning to draw a line under the negatives and just carry forward the positives. Those are the memories I want to keep.
Quality time with my family. Seeing my husbands passion continue, and watching Charles sit next to his daddy equally as proud of our beautiful boat.



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20.4.14

Happy Sunday | Week Eight



Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

A Kind Heart...again.

I know I said 'A Kind Heart' in Week Four but once again this sweet little boy has been so kind.
Charles' kindness and sensitivity amazes me sometimes. He really cares about people and has the biggest kindest heart of any child I know.
I mentioned last week in my Love The Little Things post that we have made some really wonderful friends through sailing already and sadly they are selling their boat and moving abroad.  The boys have really taken to them and Charles wanted to draw them a picture of their boat and write them a letter too. The reason he drew the picture was because he "doesn't want them to forget Queenie or me".

Daisies

There are so many daisies on the grass around where we moor our boat. Charles again was super adorable as he skipped and hopped around the grass trying not to stand on any....which is tricky because there really are SO many.
The boys are both super sweet because they will always pick me a daisy or three. I adore daisies anyway but it makes me so pleased that they want to do that for me.

Compliments

I am a really insecure person. Any one who has read previous posts will know that I don't believe that anyone likes me, or could like me. Especially people who I look up to or would like to be friends with.
This week, in real life, I had two really wonderful compliments that made my week, and made me cry happy tears.
These compliments were from two men who we've met through sailing. Both are in their 50's/60's and admire each of them, so it meant a lot for them to tell me these nice things.
I know this sounds really weird, getting compliments from older men but it wasn't at all.
One told me how kind I am, and made compliments about my nature. Which really meant a lot.
The other, our sailing instructor, told me I had brought "a ray of sunshine in this old mans life".
These comments really hit me straight in my heart. They made me smile and made me feel really good about myself. These men will never know how much those kind words made me feel, and how well appreciate they were.

The Sunset

This photo is unedited, I wanted to show off how completely beautiful the view was over the Broads last week. So so beautiful. A couple of days before this we were stood in the exact same spot and watched as the mist rolled in over the fields. It was really quite eerie and scary as it surrounded us, but beautiful all the same.
I cannot wait to see more views like this, maybe even better, over the next 6-7 months.

 A Description

Charles and I will regularly play a game of "what do you love about me?" On Thursday this week we had a new game of "describe me in 3 words". I chose for him:
Cheeky
Handsome
Funny.
For me he chose:
Happy
You love me
You love eyebrows.
Ok, so he didn't totally get what he was supposed to do but it works....other than the eyebrows thing. Random.
But the first word he used meant a lot. It meant I have clearly started to turn a corner. For a while I was a shouty mummy, a lot. I'm still a shouty mummy at times, as a few of us are I'm sure, but certainly not as much as I was. The fact that he see's me as being happy means I am showing him more of the happy side of me. I worry that he has maybe seen me cry too much recently, or picks up on my anxiousness too much, but for him to immediately think of me as being happy means I'm doing something right.

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16.4.14

One Month On

A month ago I started taking anti-depressants. It wasn't a choice I made easily and despite really not wanting to take them and feeling like a failure to have got to the point of needing them I am now in a position where I feel ok. 
Of course, I would rather not need them at all. But, I do. And that's that.

The first two weeks were fab in some ways and tough in others.
I had a really positive time, felt happy and for a moment did think maybe I didn't need the tablets after all. The toughness came in forms of hot flushes. Awful hot flushes, which are quite embarrassing when you are on the school run surrounded by mums who are chilly and wrapped up warm and you are stood there with no coat on sweating.

Yesterday I took my last tablet from the months pack and had an awful time as per other months trying to get an appointment with my doctor. I was expecting a phone call from him, phoned to check he would be ringing me in the morning as previously planned, and was spoken to in the most awful way by the receptionist and told I may have to wait until next week, despite saying I needed to speak to him THAT DAY to get a new prescription as I had completely run out and needed to talk about which dose I would be taking next.
I became so upset I had to hang up the phone so she didn't have the satisfaction of hearing me cry.
15 minutes later my doctor phoned and right now I am standing with 2 months worth of tablets in an increased dose.

Although the first 2 weeks were really good the second 2 weeks were tough and I went back to my "usual ways". Crying for no reason, and just feeling generally down.
With my increased dose we are hoping that within 2 weeks from now I should see an improvement and feel better.

I think I've changed a lot psychologically since taking the tablets. It's not that they have made me this way but more changing my thoughts. I take the tablets around lunch time, I am a nightmare at remembering to take tablets so have set an alarm on my phone, but I find I get reminders when it's time to take them.
Be it happy reminders, something making me smile and me thinking "ooo this is a happy moment" and then linking happiness to my tablets, or feeling a bit down and feeling like I need a pick up and linking that to my tablets.
I am recognising happy feelings a lot more. Things that make me feel good and make me feel nice. Things that make me smile. Things I don't want to forget.

For a while I did feel ashamed of myself for going on the tablets. I've tried so hard to not have to resort to them, to try and work things out myself, to understand my thoughts and reasoning but I realised I needed help. I needed someone or something to give me that support, to hold me up and help me along.
I've always said I'm not ashamed of having anxiety and depression. So why feel ashamed to need help?
I'm not responsible for suffering from anxiety and depression, but I am responsible when it comes to getting help and trying to make myself better.
I am responsible for my life and my quality of life.
I am responsible for my family and if me being on anti-depressants makes me happier in the long run and means life is better for all of us then it's silly to avoid taking them.

I am learning to accept that I'm not a failure for needing help.
I am learning to accept that although I didn't want to take tablets to feel happy or to feel good about myself, or to enjoy life, I need to take tablets to do that.
I am learning to accept that I have done all I can elsewhere, by changing certain things in my life, changing the people in my life and the people in it, by trying to do various forms of therapy, I have done all I can and just need that extra "thing" to guide me along.
I am learning to accept that this isn't going to be a short term thing. I'm not going to be off the tablets by the end of the year. I could be, but I may not be. I may be on them a year, two years or longer.
I am learning to accept that I am a bit fragile, and a bit broken, and that I can't just fix it all.
I am learning to accept that I am not weak. I am strong. I am strong because I asked for help, and I keep asking for help.
I am learning to accept that this is me. This is my life and taking anti-depressants is a big part of ME but isn't all I am. It doesn't define me.

I am not ashamed.



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13.4.14

Happy Sunday | Week Seven

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Patience

The boys have been so good the past 3 days. Wednesday involved a lot of waiting around and uncertainty. Despite being bored and probably just wanting to get on with it and sail already they have done so well to let my husband get on with the jobs he needed to get on with, to not get in the way of any of the men moving boats, and to not get run over by a tractor or dumper truck!

Good News

My nan has struggled with her sight for a while and as a result I stopped sending her letters, as did my mum, because she couldn't read them (edit to add: I realise that sounds mean, we obviously still keep in tpuch via the phone as she lives in Somerset and we can't pop round to see her). She had laser eye surgery on Wednesday and says she can now see perfectly. It's wonderful news and in celebration I'm going to send her some photos of the boys as well as some letters and drawings from the boys.

A Week of Him

We have just had our first week of the Easter Holidays and it has been wonderful. I've noticed a real change in Charles, he has grown up so much and has made me laugh until I cry every single day. On Saturday he complained about having an itchy spot on his neck, it looked like a gnat bite but a couple of hours later he came to me again and we counted 25 spots on him....and 5 hours later he had over 50. Hello chicken pox. I'm hoping it doesn't ruin his second week of the Easter Holidays and that he doesn't suffer too much. Thankfully Harry has already had it so we won't have two poorly at the same time.

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10.4.14

Siblings: The Family Portrait Project | April

As each month passes I am noticing even bigger changes in the boys relationship. They are certainly getting closer all the time, and are real best friends. They completely adore each other and couldn't do without the other in their life.
The biggest change I'm seeing at the moment is based around power, and who is the boss. For a while it was Harry. He seemed to join the family with ease and then somehow become the leader, again with ease.
There have been times I've really felt sorry for Charles. He backs down a lot, being the sensible older one, but now he really seems to be trying to stand up for himself. I don't mean by fighting. I won't stand for that. But by other means.
Not only that, but he is amazing at trying to teach Harry knew things. New words, colours, numbers, songs and so on.
And they constantly want to dance together whenever a song comes on.
Harry has rhythm, Charles doesn't, so it's funny to watch and is one of the times Harry really SHOULD take control.
A moment that always fills my heart with love and happiness is when they choose to walk a couple of steps away from us, holding hands. I don't openly make too much of a fuss because then they will stop, but I love to watch them, trying to hear their conversation. They look so natural walking along together and it makes the hard times so worth it. Those moments when I question being a good mother, I look at them holding hands, being best friends, and that love that they have for each other and I know I have done a good job.

I love watching them together. They really are the most amazing children. We have our ups and downs, but who doesn't? That's what parenting and life is about.

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6.4.14

Happy Sunday | Week Six

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Mothers Day

It was Mothers Day last Sunday and I had such a lovely day. The three boys went to the supermarket whilst I had a little time to myself at home, in which time a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a balloon were delivered by the local florist. The boys bought lots of amazing picnic items and we had Salmon Benedict for breakfast, then went for a walk at Rendlesham Forest. We were very silly and decided to follow the 'red' walk, not checking if it was the short or long one. Big mistake, after getting lost, feeling tired, hungry and thirsty we found a 'quick route to the carpark' sign and when we returned to our car we noticed a sign saying Red - Long trail.
What a fail. Still, we had fun and the picnic was really yummy.

Zoo Cards

When Harry was newborn I bought an annual pass to our local zoo. It was great because Charles was 2 so we had A LOT of visits for just £50. I renewed the pass last year and then it ran out on Valentines Day this year. We hadn't been a lot in the months running up so I wasn't too upset about not being able to renew them (lack of funds). Then, after a while, I did start to miss it. I realised I had been missing out on taking Harry there when Charles is at school, either to see the animals or just to use the park.
So, thanks to blogging, once I was able to buy some more I asked my mum to look after the money...so I didn't spend it at Joules, and on Saturday we finally went to the zoo and bought our new passes. My mum also bought one so we can pop up there one Saturday afternoon after she has fininshed work, or also so we can go to another zoo nearby as the passes now get us in there for free too.
The passes also get us into the local dinosaur park for half price. Such an amazing deal.
I'm also hoping to take Charles up there after school when they start to open later towards the summer. 
Added to that, we have met up with Charles' friend from preschool, his mum and brother before and one of the mums from the school run who I've made friends with will be getting some passes too so we have planned to meet up there too!

Cheap Sunglasses

My brother would be so angry at me buying these (he is manager at a sunglasses shop) but at £1.99 I couldn't resist. They are perfect for a day out with the boys where I can stick them on top of my head if I need to (which I can't do with my RayBans) and it doesn't matter too much if they get scratched or broken, or lost.
I ended up going back for a second pair to keep on the boat. 

More Memory

For a while now the memory on my laptop has been on red and I've had to really struggle when saving my photos, most of the time sticking them on SD cards...which are also getting full. We finally got round to sorting out the laptops access to another hardrive we have set up and I was able to move a lot of my photo albums over giving me more space and making my laptop work a lot faster!


Easter Sharing

On Thursday I was able to go to Charles school for an hour in the morning for an Easter Share morning. It was really lovely. We had a few egg and spoon races together, I watched him jump from a big box onto a crash mat, we made a rice krispie cake, made a bunny nose, and made this chick from a paper plate and feathers. I love spending this time with him and seeing him in "his own" environment.

 

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2.4.14

Discoveries | March 2014

Food

I was sent a Degustabox this month. I love these boxes, I can't praise them enough. It's wonderful to discover new foods and create new recipes using ingredients you may not usually purchase. My favourite item in this months box was the Moma porridge.
I usually have porridge with milk, quite thick and with chocolate, never with fruit, so I was unsure as to whether or not I would like the raisin and cranberry flavour. It was easy to prepare by just adding boiled water up to the line on the inside of the pot, stir, leave for a few minutes and then eat. I left it for a little longer than indicated on the pot and it was delicious! I am now a convert and will definitely try other fruit with porridge now too.
I think these pots will be perfect for breakfast on the boat so we will be stocking up on them whenever we are due to stay on there.

Drink

Before I was pregnant with Harry I would mostly drink tea. I loved it. And then, pregnancy completely put me off tea and I couldn't drink it at all. I then went onto coffee and since I have loved it. I can drink tea sometimes but coffee is my main choice of hot drink. I've been drinking a lot more black coffee recently, mainly because when my brother was on a health kick he cut out milk in his coffee and I was copying him I suppose. I tried to make myself a nice milky coffee as a treat and didn't enjoy it at all. I am a full black coffee convert, which really surprises me.
And oddly enough, it always seems to taste better in my (new) Cath Kidston mug. Oooo look how pretty it is. 


Beauty and Skincare

I was quite late to the party when it came to using concealer. I have tried various ones and for a while used a Rimmel one and felt it was ok. I'm not sure if my skin tone changed or if it started to get dry or both but the Rimmel wasn't working at all. I went to Boots and fell in love with the Maxfactor Mastertouch Concealer. I've used this before, a long time ago, but rediscovering it I've realised it is the best one for my skin, and for my skin tone. It blends really well and gives a really natural look. I sometimes put it over my eyelids and blend in gently with my fingertip and then put mascara for a natural look.
I also fell in love with Rimmel Colour Rush Balm in shade 'On Fire'. It's a lovely alternative to red as it has a pinky tone to it. It lasts for ages and is so silky to apply. I really love it.

Fashion

I've already blogged about these a couple of times but my biggest and favourite purchase and discovery this month has to be my Jellies. I bought them from Sun Jellies, it took me a while to decide which colour to go for and in the end I went for the sensible choice of black. I'm pretty sure that I will be purchasing further pairs in the next few months, and maybe some for the boys too.

Blogs

Again I have really enjoyed exploring new blogs from the UK and beyond and have set myself the challenge to at least find 5 new ones each month. These are some I have discovered, as well as The Start Up Wife whose blog I rediscovered this month too. 


Film and Television

March saw me discover a load of new films, which is quite lovely and I guess marks a sign that I no longer have a baby as I'm actually having time to sit and watch something all the way through.
I finally got round to watching Wall-E all the way through, and although before I wasn't a fan and didn't want to sit and give it any of my time or even attempt to watch it, I'm so glad I did. Harry was obsessed with it (Sky have now removed it from On Demand so the dvd will have to be purchased soon) so we watched it every single day for 2 weeks, sometimes more than once a day.
Other childrens films we watched, although not new discoveries for me as I saw them both in the cinema with Charles but rediscoveries are Monsters University and Planes.
The boys LOVE Monsters University, Harry can't get enough of it and it really captures it attention. Planes on the other hand, doesn't. I'm so glad we didn't buy it on dvd. It reminds me too much of Cars and Turbo....only in plane form.  
I also finally got to watch Saving Mr Banks. I love Tom Hanks, LOVE. And have done since I first watched Big many years ago. The man can do no wrong so I knew I would love this film. 
It actually made me wonder what all the fuss is about when it comes to Frozen. To me, the Mary Poppins soundtrack is SO much better and will still be popular in many years to come. 
After I watched this I searched the tv guide and saw 'We Need To Talk About Kevin' was on. I bought the book a long time ago and couldn't get into it and so thought I would watch the film. It was quite disturbing and dark and the end made me feel really weird. I really struggled to get to sleep after watching it and felt so uncomfortable. I wouldn't recommend the film but may give the book another try.

 Quote

I discovered this quote this month and I feel like it really suits my way of living at the moment, not just because of the 'sails' reference.
I feel as though I am on my way to knowing how to control certain aspects of my life. Remembering what is mine and what I can do about particular things.  I have a long way to go but reminding myself of this quote helps.
 
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1.4.14

March 2014


The end of yet another month. This year is going so quickly, it's crazy.
This month seems to have gone so slow in some ways, when I look at my Living Arrows photos below the first one seems like it was so long ago.
It seems like it was so long ago that my brother visited, and that we celebrated my husbands birthday.

I spent the majority of this month poorly with an awful cold, Charles and I caught a sickness bug and both boys have had gunky eyes but it seems to be viral rather than conjunctivitis.. I'm pretty sure this all happened because I said "wow, we've been lucky. No conjunctivitis, no sickness bug and no winter cold" and then boom. We got all of them in one week.
In the future I will not be so smug.
Lesson learnt.

The biggest thing this month for me has been taking big steps into dealing with my depression and anxiety. I know, if you're a regular reader you're probably bored of reading about it, but it was a big thing for me to make that step and go to my doctor to be prescribed anti-depressants.
I didn't want to spend yet another year fighting what seemed to be a losing battle and I need back up. The tablets are my back up. They are what will hopefully make me stronger and eventually help me to beat this depression until it comes back again.

This month I started my Happy Sunday series. I wanted to do this to try and force myself to think positively. To focus on things in the week that made me smile, that maybe I didn't even realise or think of at the time.
The things that made me happy that are so normal, or seemed so normal, but put a smile on my face even if just for 5 minutes.

I really want to try balance out the "negative/down" posts with something happy, and I hope that that is coming across.
I'd like to be able to show that actually, this is what depression is about for me, the ups and the downs, the mixtures of emotion, the mood swings and the fact one moment everything is perfect and the next I'm lower than ever.

As the year goes on I'm loving discovering new blogs (check out tomorrows post) aswell as reading ones I've loved for so long. I couldn't do a March roundup without mentioning this post by Katie, Mummy Daddy Me. I'm not sucking up to her by any means (although if it wins me friend points then that's great!). It is probably one of the best posts I've seen since I've been blogging, it's such a fab idea and I think it turned out great. I'm quite jealous I didn't come up with it to be perfectly honest!

I'm really looking forward to April.
With the boat returning to the water, an afternoon on the boat with my husband and an instructor so we can learn how to sail (ahead of our weeks course booked in May) plus I have Charles at home for just 2 weeks which I am super excited about. We're going to be rebuying our zoo season tickets in April too and these now get us into TWO zoo's. How amazing is that?! Especially as both of those zoo's are fantastic. I'm really excited. 
We'll also be celebrating our 9 year wedding anniversary which is lovely, plus I have a couple of other exciting things planned with my mum and with some other people.

Oh, and I also had another blog redesign. I think I am finally happy with the size of my header, the colours and layout of my blog. I quite like that I can change my header due to the pinboard style, that won't change, just the images will sometimes.

So.

How was your month?


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