28.5.14

Turning Corners

This Bank Holiday weekend we took full advantage of the wonderful weather and the fact that my husband had 2 days off rather than his usual 1, and headed to the boat to stay over for the night.
We got there later than originally planned so once we had got ourselves sorted, got the boat ready we simply motored up to one of our favourite pubs to moor up for the night.
It just so happens that we got there at just the right time. As we moored up, and turned the engine off, other boats seemed to have the same idea, but we had taken up one of the last two spaces, the other was quickly snapped up by another family.

There was a lovely bit of drama and entertainment when 3 boats managed to get stuck in the mud. One was clearly an accident, and was a tiny bit worrying for a while, and the other two were basically full of young people who didn't want to follow advice when told that the area was too shallow for them that day.

We had such a fabulous weekend, and on Sunday night and Monday night I couldn't help but to reflect on the good things that had happened, and realised that we had turned a few corners and that areas that have been somewhat challenging or tricky were getting much better.

Firstly, and yes I know, going on about it again. Bore off Lauren. But, my weight.
We sat in the pub garden and my husband took a photo of me. I always inspect the photos, usually clicking delete pretty much straight away.
But this time I burst into tears. I actually liked the photo. Not only did I like the photo, but I also noticed the change in me since I lost the weight.
I felt quite overwhelmed, which may sound silly, but it was nice to feel good about myself and to feel proud of myself.

Harry has hit the terrible twos, and a really quite challenging point in his life recently. He is hard work, we have good times and bad times. The bad times, although may only last a short amount of time, can be tiring and emotionally draining. He's just doing what some other 2 year olds do but still, it doesn't mean he should do it.
Our past trips on the boat have been a fail for a few reasons. Our first ever night over Harry was sick, which couldn't be helped. But at other times he has simply decided to just play up really.
He wasn't interested in sitting outside, or putting on his lifejacket.
Yet on Sunday, as I was ready to settle him into the cabin, he asked for his lifejacket to be put on.
And he actually sat outside with us. I couldn't believe it.
And on the Monday he came outside with me, laid on the seat with his head on my lap and went to sleep....for 2 hours. He missed our adventure and explore of a new part of the river, and missed seeing fish in the clear parts, but it was lovely to have him so close.
The whole weekend he was a star and I really enjoyed being with him. I just hope that behaviour remains every visit we have to the boat.

I'm really trying to work on Charles' confidence at the moment. He gets quite shy and wants me to speak for him so I'm setting him challenges to wave to people on boats, talk to people, order his own food, pay for things in shops and so on. He is doing really well and I can tell he gets a buzz out of "being brave" especially when he gets a response from those he is talking to or those who's attention he wants.

My husband had to go to the bow of the boat at one point as I went inside the cabin with the boys. He kept shouting to ask if we were ok and I couldn't understand why. Until I realised that it was because we were so quiet. Usually the boys are having issues with each other, issues with me, wanting a drink/food/wee/poo/something they shouldn't have, which usually results in me getting stressed and snapping at them.
But we were all quiet. Ok, Harry was asleep but it gave me the chance to relax and gave Charles the chance to play on his Leappad without his brother prodding the screen all the time.
As we got on the boat on the Sunday and waited for my husband to do his jobs I couldn't resist a selfie with them. They both wanted to press the button and change the colours on Instagram. I love it, a lot.

Another corner I have personally turned is that of feeling happy. Truly happy. Yes I still get my down days, and my really awful days, but being able to recognise what that happy emotion is, although can be quite overwhelming, is just magical sometimes.  It's a feeling I forgot about, and almost forced sometimes but to now feel genuinely happy in a few areas of my life is perfect, and proves I'm definitely turning corners.
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25.5.14

Happy Sunday | Week Thirteen

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Coffee and Sand


On Wednesday we arranged to meet 2 friends I have made on the school run and the daughter of one of them at the beach. I was running late thanks to Harry deciding to get changed SIX times. Fun times.
Instead of meeting them at the car park I met them at a local pub/coffee place and we sat outside and had a drink before heading down the beach and the promenade.
I was good and went for a black coffee instead of the creamy/milky delights on offer too. The children held us back from our power walk but it was lovely watching them play on the sand, and seeing Harry chase his friend trying to hold her hand.
We got to the pier and my friend treated her daughter and Harry to an ice cream, we were very good and didn't have one ourselves!
We were out for 2 and a half hours which was really lovely. I enjoyed it so much and definitely don't visit the beach as much as I should.

Walking


So along with the beach walk I have also made a real effort with walking to collect Charles from school. Harry can get himself out of his pushchair which causes no end of hassle and issues so I decided to put him in our 4 and a half year old Smart Trike, which has seen better days but did the job. He really enjoys sitting in there and due to the dodgy steering it gives me an extra work out as I try to keep it going straight.

After School Ice Creams

There is an ice cream van outside the school most days and the boys will more often than not beg for an ice cream, disgusted that I don't take money for them to buy one. So this week, on Tuesday, we walked to school to meet Charles and I let them buy an ice cream.
It was lovely for them to be so happy about this special treat, and I loved watching them just walking along loving life.
Next time though I should take wipes or tissues. Harry + ice cream = a big mess.


Strength Quotes

I love going to Pinterest if I need a bit of a boost, or a hand to hold. This week I discovered these two quotes. I made my own graphics because, well, I enjoy doing it and it makes me happy. Oooo two lots of happiness in one go. BAM!

RSVP's

Almost 2 weeks ago Charles handed out his party invitations at school. I then watched my phone like a hawk. Waiting for the RSVP's to come flooding in.
There was an instant panic of maybe another party happening on that date that we didn't know about, maybe these people are waiting for a better offer, or maybe the children just don't want to celebrate Charles' birthday with him.
We now have 20 children on the list to come, and so far no one has said no. It makes me really happy, and a bit giggly, when someone says their child will come. It's wonderful to know that these children will be looking forward to celebrating both of the boys birthdays, excited to see them and talking about their party in the lead up.
Charles also lets out a big "YES!" when I add someone elses name to the list. Seeing him so happy and excited is wonderful.

What made you happy this week?

Linking up to:
The Ordinary Moments: Mummy Daddy Me
My Week That Was: Make, Do and Push
Magic Moments: The Oliver's Madhouse
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22.5.14

Disconnected

Last week we had a week of sailing. After buying our beautiful wooden yacht we realised that the sensible option would be to hire an instructor and learn how to sail properly. Last week was that week.
We were following a course and by the end of the week had not only passed Level 1, but also Level 2! We were, and still are, delighted.

I really enjoyed the week, things at home have been quite challenging with Harry at the moment mostly down to terrible twos and testing the boundaries but it got to the point where I really needed some time away.
My mum booked the week off work and was an absolute star looking after Harry all day and collecting Charles from school everyday, giving them their dinner, getting them ready for bed. Harry and the school run is a challenge in itself so to be thrown into that must have been really hard work.
I felt bad knowing that my mum was going to have her hands full. It didn't seem fair for her to have a holiday from work to then have to have a stressful week and not feel at all rested and in fact in need of  a week of rest.
I wasn't able to relax and switch off as much as I hoped but despite that I still enjoyed my time away. I enjoyed learning something new. There's something about the boat that makes me feel relaxed, and being out on the water, although it sets off my anxiety, is also quite relaxing.
Our sailing instructor was amazing too. I get on very well with people I can have banter with. Someone I can be cheeky with, have a laugh with, yet someone I can also admire and respect.
I felt I could really be myself and that was amazing. To just open up and be me, with someone I had only met one afternoon previous.
In fact I opened up more than I thought as we discussed my mental health and things that have happened in my past. Things a lot of people don't know.
But getting home every night felt weird. We were getting home late, having to get the boys in bed...or back in bed if they had woken up. I had to make dinner, tidy up as much as I could manage, have a bath and all other sorts of jobs a housewife has to do.
It was the longest time I have ever spent away from the boys. I was seeing Charles for an hour in the morning, really squeezing him tight as I dropped him off at his classroom at school, knowing that the next time I would see him we would be rushing them off to bed.
The whole week, when it came to home time, felt so rushed and just not at all normal or natural. I lost enthusiasm for everything.
I didn't want to clean (well, I never do), I didn't want to watch my favourite tv programmes, I didn't want to write blog posts, I didn't want to read blog posts, I didn't want to do anything.
It wasn't even that I was super tired. I just had somehow lost my zest for life, maybe leaving it on the boat as we left.
Although of course I saw the boys everyday, it wasn't for long and it was really rushed. I felt like a rubbish mum and despite reminding myself that it's only for a week I still felt quite terrible. I didn't really get the chance to talk to Charles about school, I didn't get the chance to ask Harry what he had done that day, I didn't get to ask them about their dinner and about how the school run went.
On Saturday I went to a birthday party at a soft play centre with Charles, and my mum looked after Harry. As I got home with Charles my mum left, to have an afternoon of peace, and I felt a bit stuck. I didn't know what to do, which is odd as they are my children and it was only 5 days but I felt really disconnected from them.
I felt like I had to work really hard to get back in with them, which wasn't down to them at all, it was simply down to me.
 The same thing happened when I sat with the laptop. Usually I am straight in there. I know what to write, or I create a few drafts to go back to later. I have an idea of which photos to use but, nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I struggled taking part in the linkys I regularly take part in. I just felt like I'd run out of air. Like my balloon had burst and I was a bit flat.
Of course this is ok, blogging isn't everything. Is it?
To me it is. I get panicky if I can't workout when my next post will be. I like to know when posts are going up, if they are part of a link up, I need to have full posts in draft to hit schedule on if needs be. But last week and this week I have struggled.

I looked around my house and just saw stuff. Stuff I usually live surrounding me. Piles of Harry's clothes in every single room left when he decided to get changed....again. Pens and paper without a home, toys just *there*. Unable to keep up with washing, and not knowing if Charles had a clean uniform the next day. (Thank you for sorting that mum). Not knowing what to cook my husband for dinner, or myself. Not knowing if our food was in date.
Is the cat ok?
Is the rabbit ok?
Do I need milk?
Cereal?
Bread?

I have felt emotional, drained but not tired. I panicked about my diet because I've done so well and for a week my meals couldn't be planned. I didn't know when or where we would be eating but despite having a couple of treats I think I kept enough control to go full steam ahead again.
I adore the boat, I really really really do. Especially after now knowing how to sail her.
But something I don't adore? The feeling of being disconnected.
Not feeling like I was living, simply just being. Crashing along unaware of life and what was going on around me. The feeling of everything being quite dark and not being able to see a way out.
Am I now finding my way out? I hope so.

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18.5.14

Happy Sunday | Week Twelve

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

This Quote


Learning to Sail

I'm going to write a post detailing our sailing week as it's too much to fit into a short paragraph but....I can now sail! I went into the week expecting to fail and be quite rubbish but instead I left the week with a Level 2 certficate.
It was a hard, challenging yet fun and exciting week. We were able to learn on our own boat which made it easier and we had a fantastic instructor who made us feel really comfortable and confident. We couldn't have chosen anyone better.

Takeaway Coffee

I have never really got the whole takeaway coffee craze. When we lived in St Neots and came home we would make a special stop at Wild Bean Cafe for me to grab a Latte with Hazelnut syrup. But there's nothing really like that round here, and I can make coffee at home.
This week though we grabbed a Costa Latte from the petrol station on the way to the boat and it was delicious. It really started my day off on a happy note and made me a little more awake!

Fulfilling a Dream

I have always wanted to go on a ride on lawnmower. Always. I wish our garden was big enough for one...but it's not...so I couldn't help but be cheeky when I realised our sailing instructor has one. I didn't expect him to let me have a ride on it, and although I didn't have it in cutting mode and just went in one circle I really enjoyed it.
It's silly how little things like that can really make you smile and feel happy.

Mum-me Time

My mum was kind enough to take a week off work to look after Harry and collect Charles from school, give them dinner and keep them entertained until we got back from our sailing lesson. Harry has been quite challenging recently, just terrible two's mixed with testing the boundaries and just generally being hard work.  I felt bad that my mum had a tough week with him, especially on the school run, so I invited myself round hers on Saturday night for a girls night. She made us one of my favourite meals I had growing up and we watched Bridesmaids. I'm not usually into these kind of Chick Flicks but it was really really good. I stayed over at my mums so it was nice to not be woken up by a boy poking me in the face or hearing them fighting over pants.

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13.5.14

He Gives Me Butterflies

I didn't realise how much you can love a child.
How they can take over your heart, your head, everything inside you.

Finding out I was pregnant with Charles was the best feeling ever. I was also very nervous as we'd just been through a chemical pregnancy and as a result, certain family members didn't seem as happy for us as we'd hoped. Still, we remained positive and had our fingers well and truly crossed.
I was having an awful time at work and being pregnant gave me the hope that everything would be ok in the end.
It was my way out.

He was the light at the end of what was becoming a very dark tunnel for me. When I'm having tough days with him and Harry due to poorliness or sleep deprivation or just a challenging behaviour day then I remember how I felt but then, when I went to work, and I realise that this might be tough, but it's no tougher than it was back then.

My best time with him is late at night, if he wakes up around 10.30 onwards. He is hilarious when he is half asleep/half awake and the conversations just have me fascinated. We'll giggle and laugh and talk about serious things too.
Most of the time sitting cuddling. This boy gives the most amazing bedtime cuddles.
Sometimes it feels like he's older than me. The way he comforts me in such a grown up way.

I feel a special connection with him. He seems to understand me so much, understand difficulties I have without me needing to tell him.
Recently I had a big panic attack in front of him. We were on the boat so there was no where for me to go so he couldn't see me. Rather than getting scared, and wondering if I was ok, he just stood and rubbed my leg, telling me "It's ok mummy, just calm down mummy".
He gave me the biggest cuddle at the end. At no point did he ask what was going on, or get scared, or worried. He remained calm and knew exactly what I needed to do, and what I needed him to do.
And although I never wanted him to see me have an attack like that one, I was so amazed at how he handled it, and he really helped to get me through it.

It amazes me how at almost five years old he still gives me butterflies. I still sit and stare at him sometimes just wondering how he is mine and how lucky I am.

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12.5.14

She's Coming Back

For a while now I haven't recognised myself at all.
Looking in the mirror I didn't look like me. At times I would see a hint of me, I would really make an effort with how I dressed, doing my hair and doing my make up but sometimes it felt odd.
Although I was trying to look like me, the body I was dressing wasn't mine. It all felt a bit fake, and I would regularly hope to wake up and see the real me again. In the body I wanted, not this big, wobbly, uncontrollable mess of a body.
I'm a curvy girl, I accept that, I don't want to be super thin. I have a mummy tummy which I know will never go away, and I'm fine with that. We all have our flaws and if mine is a tummy with excess skin and clear stretchmarks then so be it. I know I can dress to cover over that area but also, the tummy isn't because I was overweight, it's because I grew two children. And for that I kind of want to celebrate my baggy tummy, and those bumpy marks covering it.

My mind has also been unrecognisable. I have made no secret of that and it has been an awful struggle. A real struggle. At times worse than I could ever describe.
I forgot who 'Lauren' was, or is. I forgot how to be me, I couldn't see the positives in myself.
I realised recently that I forgot what it was to be genuinely happy. To feel that emotion. To smile because I can't stop myself from doing it.

It came to the point when I thought this version of me was long gone. Lost and would just be a memory that was hazy.
I felt confused and would blame myself, like I hadn't done a good job at looking after myself, like I had let the real me go and was left kind of empty, with a version of me that I didn't really enjoy.
A person I didn't really want to be.

I really beat myself up, a lot. And still do. I feel disappointed that in myself that I didn't cling on to me more. That I let myself become this empty shell and that I became unrecognisable.

For a while I've searched for her. For the girl I actually quite liked, for the girl I always was. For the girl I recognised.

I wanted her back. And this year I am determined to find her.
It might sound odd, but I wanted to make some major changes, in the hope it would bring her back.
Something I didn't realise was that a haircut would be the start of her reappearance.
I've always had long hair really, any time I've had short hair I've ended up not really liking it and wanting to grow it out.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the hairdressers and I decided to get my hair cut shorter. A lot shorter than what I was used to and didn't really think I would like it for long.
I fell in love with it. And I had this hint of me. I felt happy looking at my reflection.
I was still unhappy with my weight, but there was something about my appearance that I liked. And rather than saying "I like my hair but hate my body" I decided to ignore the negative thoughts and just concentrated on the fact that I liked something about myself.
It was a weird feeling.

A week before getting my haircut I'd gone shopping with my mum and bought some new clothes. They were different to what I would usually wear but I got them anyway.
The haircut seemed to boost my confidence when wearing these new clothes, and they all of a sudden felt different. And I liked myself wearing them.

And then came the weight loss. And my goodness, although I am still big and wobbly there has been a big improvement. Dresses are different on me, my jeans are too big, I HAVE A WAIST!
I feel lighter, I feel a bit more comfortable in my skin and I am determined to lose more to feel even better. If I can feel this good after losing just a stone and a half then how good will I feel when I've lost 3 or 4 stone?

I've finally realised and woken up to the fact that if I want that girl back I will need to work at it. It's not just going to happen.
It will be hard work, will require dedication, but it is possible. And I can do it.

This week I have seen a hint of the girl I used to be.
She's coming back.


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11.5.14

Happy Sunday | Week Eleven

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Britmums Live Agenda

I am crazy excited for Britmums Live now, to the point that I cannot stop thinking about it. I've been keeping an eye out for the agenda for a while now so was super excited when I was alerted to it being posted on their site.
I have a rough plan of the sessions I want to go to. I think it will be a busy couple of days for me.

Slimming Down

I know, I'm annoying right but let me enjoy losing weight before I get bored of it. My husband bought me this dress last year, I adore it. I wanted it for ages, which he didn't know, and during a date day he offered to take me to Joules and buy me a dress. When I tried it on I fell in love with it, but it was a teeny tiny bit snug around the waist and bum. Not enough for me to not be able to buy it, but enough for me to be restricted on when and where I could wear it. These two photos below were taken last year, and although I think the dress looks nice I know that I felt really self-conscious in it. At the point where I was thinking that if I sat down in it too quickly it may rip. Still, I wore it on a date night and then it went back into the wardrobe.
I tried it on again last month and it was a bit snug still, which was frustrating but also gave me a kick to want to lose weight as I didn't want to waste such a beautiful dress.
I tried it on again Saturday this week and IT FITS WITH ROOM TO SPARE!! I felt super confident in it and found it really comfortable.
If you are going to Britmums Live it is very likely that you will see me wearing this on the Saturday.

Pyjamas and Brushes

Weird huh? Pyjamas and brushes making me happy. I am a nightmare when it comes to make up brushes, I have a safe place for them and then being super lazy I tend to lay them down anywhere and then they vanish. I have lost all of my decent favourite ones and had to buy some new ones. I've wanted some Real Techniques brushes for a long time now so popped onto Amazon and saw this set for £12. It's fab as it comes in this case which with a pull of a toggle also becomes a stand.
These pyjamas are from H&M, I originally ordered them hoping they would be here in time for the sleepover I went to a couple of weeks ago but instead they arrived this week. Being a curvy girl I didn't expect the leggings to be all that flattering and actually thought I would end up sending these back. However, I love them! There is a big pink jumper as part of the set which is great for chilly nights, and will be especially good for chilly evenings on the boat.
Oddly flattering and really really comfy, and I will now be saving them to take to Britmums.

Notebook and a Pencil Case

Two other purchases this week. Who knew ASOS did stationary? Not me! I wanted to get ahead with things I need for Britmums and a notebook was essential. I fell in love with this one, for the design and also because it is plain paper which I prefer when quickly writing down notes.
I also noticed this super cute little pencil case and couldn't resist buying it. I think it will be great for Britmums and keeping all my stuff organised in my bag.
The only problem is that the notebook is slightly too big for the bag I was planning on taking. First World Problems and all that.

Exercising

Gosh I never thought I would enjoy exercising, at all. But this week I have started the 30 day shred although I am being naughty and not sticking to doing it everyday. I want to make an effort with exercise in my life in general so this week I walked to collect Charles from school. It should have taken 30 minutes but I managed it in 20, which was quite a proud moment, although I'm sure my face was purple as I was so hot. Charles was really excited to scoot all the way home. We also managed to be home by 4 which was impressive!
On the days that I walk to school I won't do the 30 Day Shred as I don't want to put myself through too much, and I want exercising to become part of my everyday routine and not a chore. I think if I Shred everyday it will become a chore and I won't enjoy it.
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10.5.14

Siblings: The Family Portrait Project | May

This month was almost a Siblings fail. An hour after this photo was taken Charles started feeling really poorly. He fell asleep on the boat, then we transferred him into the back of my husbands car as we didn't have the cushions in the boat yet, once we got home he fell asleep on the sofa, and then the floor in his bedroom.
Two days later Chicken Pox appeared and thankfully he didn't suffer too much.
Once his had cleared some more appeared....although this time on Harry, and he suffered a lot worse. Spots covered his face, neck, scalp and body. I have felt totally helpless as I've rubbed his body with a cooling foam that made him freak out so much that it was like he was possessed.
We are now coming to the end of it although he is still suffering.

I am so grateful for these photos which I took actually on the day the last Siblings post went live, if not this month would have been a disaster.

I'm seeing some really big changes in both boys this past month. Some good, some not so good. I think it's really clear, to me, that I have a different relationship with both of them. Of course I am a mum to both and it's not that I have a favourite but I think it's down to their personalities that make us different. I parent them both them same, and both with always be my baby and although it's odd seeing them differently, I think it's also nice that it's not the same.
Whether or not this will change when they are older I don't know, as Harry is still only little after all, but I'm pretty sure me and Charles will always have the closeness we do as he seems to understand me more than Harry does. Almost like we have a inner connection or something, I know he knows about my anxiety and insecurities and depression even though I have always tried to hide them from him and haven't told him about them. But then that is a whole other blog post entirely.

This month I am sending you onto Hayley at Shutterflies, my favourite humans ever who has two of my favourite small humans ever too. I can promise you will enjoy the treat she has in store on her blog.

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8.5.14

Motivation

For a while I have been unhappy with my body. Looking in the mirror feeling disgusted and disappointed with myself.
Although I would try and dress in clothes that suited me and covered those problem areas, I could still see them, and I was fully aware that I was hiding them.
I began to feel really ashamed of myself and got fed up with wondering if I needed a size 16 in a new dress or if I would be best just getting the 18. I remember when I was a size 12 saying I would never buy a size 14, then when I was a size 14 saying I would never buy a size 16, then when I was a size 16 saying I would never buy a size 18. And now....I'm in between sizes and there is no way I am going to let myself get into just wearing 18's and then creeping up to size 20.

For a long time I used excuses for not eating properly and not exercising. Breastfeeding being one of them.
I knew I could burn around 500 calories a day (or so I believed) and so had an extra portion of dinner or would finish the boys dinner off.
I had no concept of calorie intake, how many calories were in my sandwich or in a pizza or in a tin of beans. I made myself believe that I could eat what I want, because my body was craving it and I had to do what my body was telling me.

In February this year, after a month of stopping breastfeeding, I decided enough was enough.
I was so used to having these extra calories and my body still wanted them, because it was routine.
I knew I had to make changes.
I would constantly complain about my weight, knowing it was my fault but really not accepting it as I didn't change my way of living.
And all of a sudden I decided to try and do something about it, and although it started off slow I am now seeing big changes.

There were two factors which stood in my way:
1- I am a comfort eater. If the boys were playing up or something upset me online or so on I would eat. Eat and eat and eat all in one go. Until I felt as though I had eaten enough to make my throat and chest hurt.
I have been able to control this more than I thought, instead by talking things through with friends or having a big drink of water or taking myself away from the situation.
2- My anti-depressants. One of the scariest things for me, other than side effects which could make me worse, was that my tablets could cause me to put on weight. I asked my doctor about it and he said it is unlikely with the ones I am on but not impossible.
In my first month of taking the tablets I had awful hot flushes, and have had a few panic attacks, and I was concerned that maybe my doctor will change the tablets for other ones that may cause me to put on weight.
I am willing to put up with hot flushes and panic attacks if it means I don't put on weight.

We were also big takeaway eaters. Sometimes having it two or three times a week. We cut back on those and on Sunday night this week I even refused an Indian takeaway and sat without regret as my husband ate his. I felt good for saying no. And that feeling was much better than the full, bloated feeling I get once I've finished a meal, and the bloating I have the following day.
I instead opted for some noodles and toast which actually worked out to be the same calories as just one Naan bread, that's quite scary.

I'm a big fan of bread and was shocked when I saw how many calories were in a slice of bread. So I have now reduced my bread intake and substitute it for pitta bread, a tortilla wrap or crumpets.
I'm upping my intake of vegetables, cutting down my portion sizes and no longer eating the boys leftovers.
I can have chocolate in the house and not be tempted by it in the slightest.
My coffee's no longer have milk in them and this makes me feel a lot better too. A milky coffee makes me feel really sluggish.

This week I decided to exercise. I am going to do the 30 Day Shred dvd but also I will walk to collect Charles from school, which is a half an hour walk. I'm not going to push myself too much so on a day I walk to school I won't do the shred dvd unless I know I am capable.
I didn't realise how good I would feel after the work out. I think the reason I am enjoying it is because I am determined. I don't see it as a chore.
I always say that once something seems like a chore then it's time to give up (other than on housework of course. Meh).

I'm using Britmums Live as a motivation. I want to feel my best when I go there this year. If I feel good then I will be more confident. It's hard for all of us going into a room full of 500+ women and I imagine the majority of us feel self-conscious so if I can reduce that feeling in some way then I think that's great.
I'm also bed-sharing and a slimmer me means I won't take up too much of the bed.
(I'm also planning on consuming some wine that weekend and that will equal a lot of calories right?!)

Two mums on the school run also noticed my weight loss, and that really gave me a boost. They didn't know I am on a diet and am trying to improve my weight so it was wonderful for them to notice.
My mum noticed too and it's a real plus for me when she says I look good.

I spend so much time trying to fix my mind and my brain yet I'm letting my body go, and it's all connected of course so if I focus on them all then maybe I will get better quicker? I don't know.

At this point I have lost a stone and a half and that has made me feel wonderful. Really really wonderful.

I'm not in a rush to get out of a size 16. I don't aim to be any size. I'm just aiming to be happy.
To be able to look in the mirror and to see a reflection I'm proud of.
To feel good about myself and to know I am looking after my body.
To make my mum proud, to make my husband proud.
And ulitmately, to make myself proud.


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4.5.14

Happy Sunday | Week Ten

Whether or not you think Sunday is the end of the week, or the beginning of a new one, I thought it would be a nice idea to look back on the week that has just past and to look at the things that have made me happy and made me smile.
I think it can be easy to look back on a hard week and miss out on those things. A week of bad weather for example can really make it seem as though the whole week was a complete fail. But it probably wasn't. We must all smile at least once a day. I know I do, even if I forget it.

Things that made me happy this week:

Birthday Party Planning 

The boys birthdays are coming up on June 14th and July 5th. We already had plans to go away for Charles' birthday, giving him the option of a weekend away or a birthday party. He chose the weekend away. But I wanted to do something for them both together so they could celebrate with their small group of "real friends" (those being the ones they socialise away from Charles' school). Looking at costs it worked out cheaper to hire a hall and get a bouncy castle to have inside. I wanted to have a bouncy castle in my garden but then if the weather is bad I would be stuck and out of pocket.
With the extra space the guest list has grown from 10 to 32 as I have allowed Charles to invite some (but not all) of his school friends.
I now have the panic of hoping noone else books a party on that date also so as soon as our invites arrive next week we will be giving them out.
We've got a theme and I've had so much fun already getting stuck into planning the decorations and food.

This Quote

I love finding quotes on Pinterest and pinning them to forget about them and rediscover them. This week I needed a bit of Pinterest Quote time and went over to my folder and found this. I know it can be seen to be a bit b!tchy but still....I think it's quite a good one.
And how did I not notice before just how beautiful Marilyn Monroe was?!

Watching

Last weekend I went to a sleepover at Hayley (Shutterflies) house. Kirsty and Clara from My Two Mums had a photoshoot with Hayley and it was so lovely watching them. They are the sweetest couple and I think I just smiled and giggled the whole time whilst watching them.
Hayley is so good at her job and picked the most beautiful locations. I loved watching her snap away and directing Kirsty and Clara. And I also loved being trusted enough to use one of her super swanky amazingly wow lenses....and her 40mm, which I now want.

New Boots

I bought these last bank holiday Monday when I went shopping with my mum. I also bought a black pair which are also ankle boots and with the same size heel. I was going to put off wearing these as I'm so used to wearing flats now but decided to bite the bullet and wear them on the school run. They look so nice with black tights and my knitted blue dress and also my floral Joules dress.

Ciate Play Date, Earrings and a Mini Notebook

After Christmas I bought the Ciate Mini Mani Month calender in their sale. One of my favourites was Play Date and stupidly I laid it down with the top not screwed on properly. By the morning, when I found it spilt everywhere, I noticed it was ruined.
Kara, from Innocent Charms Chats, was so wonderful and last weekend presented me with a full size bottle of the polish as well as some beautiful handmade earrings I won on Instagram.
She also gave us all [at the sleepover] a cute little notebook. I chose the blue floral design because, well, I love it!
Thank you for being so kind Kara.


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2.5.14

Discoveries | April 2014

Food

Last month I mentioned the Moma porridge pots. I couldn't get those ones in Asda or Sainsburys so we bought some different ones instead. Asda had a 5 for £3 or £4 offer on so we mixed and matched which ones would suit each of us. The boys had the plain ones which we then added some nutella to it for them.
My husband had the Golden Syrup flavour, which smelt so sweet when I added the water. I don't like golden syrup but apparently it was really tasty.
I went for the fruit and nut flavour and it was amazing!! These are so easy to make by just adding hot water so are really handy for the boat, and are equally as easy to recreate at home with our own porridge oats.

Drink

I am really into fruity cider. My favourite being Strawberry and Lime. This month I discovered the Bulmers Black Cherry flavour which was really tasty. I also tried the Rekorderlig Peach and Apricot cider which was deeelicious.
The only problem with these ciders is that they taste so good that they go down far too quickly.

Beauty and Skincare

Last year we went to Centre Parcs in Holland and just before we left I had purchased the Soap and Glory Self Heat Facemask. I fell in love with it immediately and used it quite a lot. When we came back from holiday it went missing. I saw my husband put it in a box and before I knew it the box was missing and he didn't know what I was talking about.
FINALLY this month I found it in a box at the back of the cupboard under the stairs. 
My skin is better again already.

Fashion

April was rather wonderful in that I was able to have a day off from being mum and went shopping with my mum. I had a plan of what I wanted to buy and ended up getting exactly that, plus some other wonderful treats.
I bought 2 pairs of trousers which both have quite a loud print. They do look similar to pyjama trousers, although of course that's not what they are. 2 pairs of ankle boots which I found in New Look in the sale. One pair was £12 and the other was £15. They have a heel which is really what I wanted as I feel I live my life in flats now and as I wear dresses a lot I wanted to feel a bit more feminine.
I bought a dress which I will be wearing to Britmums Live (I think), and a oversized leopard print tshirt which I adore!
I think it's good to give yourself and your wardrobe an update every now and then, and I especially find it really changes the way I see myself if I have been feeling quite down. 
Buying new clothes and changing my hair has given me a confidence boost.
 

Websites

I usually list 5 new blogs I've discovered but, confession time, I haven't had time to really discover any new blogs in April at all.
With the boys birthdays in June and July I have gone into panic mode. I have taken the plunge and booked a hall to host a joint birthday party, and it will be the day after Britmums Live so planning is going to be ESSENTIAL!
The party is going to be mid afternoon so we're not going to put on a full buffet for lunch/dinner and instead will have a table of nibbles.
I have a theme in mind which is quite exciting so Pinterest will be my best friend for a while I am sure.



Film and Television

I watched the Secret Life of Walter Mitty this month and felt quite disappointed, which is a shame because I love Ben Stiller. It was just too predictable I think.
I also started watching Ex On The Beach. Yeah I know, rubbish reality tv but it's one of those programmes that you can't not watch. It is a bit ridiculous that we are supposed to think these people don't expect their ex to turn up, how else did the production company get their details and how much it a coincidence that the ex's all have "perfect" bodies?!


Quote


 
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