I dont know how I am doing this anymore.
How I am coping. How I am being.
Everyday I wake up scared. Not knowing what my mind will be like that day. Unsure of how many tears will fall from my eyes. Unsure of how many times I will break from being strong.

I hear myself sob more than I hear myself laugh.
I see my mouth dip down at the sides more than I see it smile.
I abuse my body more than I look after it.
I do the same with my head.
And my heart.

I go from being settled and almost recognising that feeling of being happy to suddenly feeling a huge amount of anger.
Anger at myself, at others, and at life in general.

I struggle to trust anyone or anything in my life.
I question everyone's motives, peoples beliefs in me. My beliefs in them. Every situation.
I don't recognise myself. Or my life.
This is not how I imagined it to be.
This is not how my life is supposed to be.

When I made the decisions I did back in 2015 I knew I was doing the right thing. For me and for everyone.
I don't regret it one bit.
But I didn't realise just how hard my life would then be.

I didn't realise I would treat myself how I have and how I continue to treat myself.
Or that others would treat me how they have and how they do.
I didn't realise how lonely life can be.
How everyone else looks like they are getting on with life and how life has all these big exciting plans for them and me....I'm just here.

Lost. Alone. Scared. Overwhelmed.



Creating Unique Living Room With A Green Sofa

Living room is the area where most of the family members and incoming guests spend their most quality time. It is the place where almost do everything throughout the day. From quick surfing through the morning news headlines to the afternoon tea session of elderly parents to the cozy Saturday night brawl with friends and guests, living room sees us through the entire day. Naturally, a living space needs more attention than any place at home. Moreover, living room works as the showpiece of the home owners taste and a testimony of his culture as well.

With so much importance, you cannot leave your living room uncared for with a old creaky sofa, right? A sofa is the centerpiece furniture in a living room. So, even if you cannot give your living room a complete makeover with all new furniture, you at least need to change the old sofa with a modern and charming piece. Now, do you have a particular choice in mind in respect of colour and design? Let us suggest you a green sofa that looks pretty well in any living room. Yes, green is a colour with truly universal appeal. Green is predominantly fresh, lively and vibrant and so, a green sofa cannot at all be a misfit in most interiors.

While opting for green sofa, consider the following aspects to make a perfect choice for your interior.

1. A Soft Velvety Touch

Green is itself a soft hue with exceptional liveliness. But, if you choose your sofa material carefully, you can further augment this soft and lively finish. Just think of the soft velvety touch of a lush green sofa at the centre of your living room. It looks inviting enough from afar, let alone to the people who is sitting on it. A velvet sofa with green colour can just turn the place to a luxurious one. When it comes to the comfort of sitting on it, the velvet touch explains all.
2. Green Leather Sofa

The shine of tanned leather on a sofa bestows a kind of elegance that you do not find with any other material. Who said leather always has to come with a few original colour options ranging from tanned brown to chocolate? No, for even bright and colourful sofas and other furniture also leather is a beautiful option. A leather sofa decked all over with lush green colour can give your living space an unmatched shine and elegance.

3. Green Split Sofa

You have a really inexhaustible range of choices when it comes to sofa types and design. From large 4 or 5 seater split sofas to adjustable sofas allowing adjusting the sitting positions, you can buy all types of sofa as per your preference. Obviously, buying a sofa beside colour should have other considerations as well. You should opt for large sofas only if you have large living room with enough floor space to accommodate the new sofa. You should always ensure having done free space around the sofa and a clutter free interior. At any cost, by buying a big sofa for a small living room you should not make the space cramped and cluttered.

4. A Unique Green Theme

A living room looks fabulous when you help the space breathe with natural hues creating harmony and complementing each other to make the space a beautiful one. This spring let us suggest you to design and decorate your living area with natural green hues. Beside buying a lush green sofa as the centrepiece, buy green furnishings with little design. In this respect let us advise you about not overdoing a design as it brings monotony.

5. A Green Sofa With Couches

Do you want a lavish sofa seating for your beautiful living room? Do you have enough floor space to allow people extra leg space while sitting in separate couches? If the answers of these questions are yes, you should not look any further than a green couch sofa. Soft and absorbing couches offer the ideal sense comfort and when the lively green touches their core, they become the irreplaceable furniture options. A green couch sofa is an exquisite choice for any large living space.


Relating to 13 Reasons Why

I get annoyed at myself at how much I neglect my Netflix account. I watched Orange is the New Black, Pretty Little Liars and the odd film. Stranger Things but I've avoided the other series that other people tend to get into.
I saw Riverdale advertised on there and started to watch that and then noticed another series that kept popping up.
13 Reasons Why.
I managed to avoid it for a week and then couldn't resist. And decided that if I was going to watch it, I would binge watch it. And over 3 days I finished it.

At first I didn't like it. I didn't like the set up of it and it felt cheap and a bit too "teeny". And then as I got into it, as each episode passed, I found myself relating to a lot of what was going on.
The experiences she had with "friends", the attitude and perception she had from others.
This tv show all of a sudden went from being an almost avoidable teeny show to one I found myself emotionally invested in.

I found myself sitting there questioning my life. I thought about everyone in it and I soon had this list in my head of those who had let me down. Who continue to let me down. Who make me doubt myself and who make me feel worthless.

I have some amazing people in my life. But I do wait for them to let me down, because most people tend to.
But I realise that I can't do anything about how they treat me. I can do my best and be the best person I can be. I need to hope that if I treat them right then hopefully, they will treat me right too.

I found myself looking at other areas. At those who I can control.
Looking at ways that I can change how I was being treated. Because I think that's something we need to focus on more often in life, we don't have to accept shit from other people. We don't have to accept feeling inadequate due to others.

I am guilty of trying to hard to please other people and to impress other people and to be unappreciated or to have it unnoticed.
And I keep going. I ignore how it feels, the hurt and the neglect, because that's the kind of person I am.
But maybe that is where I am going wrong. I am allowing people to treat me in this way, and therefore allowing myself to feel this way.
Almost encouraging it.
And so I decided that rather than making the programme make me feel down, and low about my life, and the areas I should change. I will do just that.

I will remove those people, and situations that make me feel worthless and second best.
I will stop trying to be someone that I think everyone will like and will instead just be me. Whether people like her or not.

I will fight my corner when people say something hurtful. When people assume I am a certain person due to things I say or things I have done.
When people expect things from me, just because of who they perceive me to be.

You never know what anyone is going through. How they feel. How they suffer.
You might think they seem happy, strong, independent. But they might be none of those things.

I need to care only for the people who deserve it and appreciate it.
I need to focus my energy on myself, my boys, our home.
And to make sure I positively impact our lives. And make it as good as I can.

Thirteen Reasons Why.  No one knows for certain how much impact they have on the lives of other ppl Oftentimes we have no clue but we push it just the same


March Lust List

Although I've had a Pinterest account for a long time now I had mostly used it for quotes. Until two years ago when I discovered tattoos and then more recently I've become absolutely obsessed with it.
Pinning tattoos, nails, make up, hair, quotes and articles.

I wanted to put together monthly posts..."Lust Lists" sharing basically what I have been lusting after the most.

I always wanted the top of my ear pierced and after meeting a girl at Claires Accessories in Bath last year when I was visiting my brother, him saying he'd pay for it...and an encouraging glass of wine, I ended up getting it done.
I'm not going to lie, it wasn't the greatest experience of my life and I wouldn't have my ear pierced with a gun again, however, I liked the result.
But over time I felt like I wanted just one more underneath that piercing and seeing as I trust my tattooist a lot, and with encouragement from my best friend/life boss, I went ahead and booked to have it done. This time wanting a hoop instead of a stud.
I was also having a tattoo but was more scared of the piercing and had that done first at the appointment. It did hurt after and I was a bit of a wimp for the next couple of days but a week later I found myself back on that chair getting another hoop underneath the hoop I had the previous week,
Before I decided to get the second hoop I searched on Pinterest to see if there was an alternative or anything else I would have wanted instead. I'm not going to go crazy with piercings but these are a few styles I liked.

 I wanted to get more work done on my sleeve after getting the Russian Doll and had a look at the sort of styles and tattoos I want to add around it. These are a few that I really liked although will be changing in some way. The word family or Be Brave I wouldn't have, or the text around the umbrella.
I love the classic style and also encorporating flowers and floral patterns within other designs. This style fits in with my Russian Doll and also the other tattoos at the bottom of my arm.

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