23.6.19

To Be Good Enough

Dating really sucks sometimes.
Find someone, have a conversation, one asks another on a date, then coming up with an idea of what to do for the first date, of deciding what to wear, and then the doubts of "Will they like me?" "What if I don't like them?" "What if I really like them but they don't like me?"

I've realised that maybe I'm not good at realising if someone likes me, and am the kind of person who needs that clarification pretty much straight away.
It determines how I conduct myself during and at the end of the date, as well as afterwards. Not just in terms of how I act, how I talk and how much of myself I give, but also mentally.

That moment when you say goodbye, walk away and have no idea if they liked you too, if they want to see you again, is horrible.
The time between saying goodbye and waiting patiently (or impatiently) for a message to come to almost give you that feedback, to give you a score, to build you up or to gently let you down.
Then there are those who say they do want to see you again, who build you up, and then just stop talking.
With no explanation.

It's hard.
It's hard to not look at yourself and to look at all the bad things.
Is it my face?
It is my tattoos?
Is it my weight?
Is it my dark hair?
Is it the way I dress?
Is it my personality?

"You're amazing though"
"You're great"
"You are so funny"
"You are such a lovely person"

So what do I need to do to change?
What do I need to do to be good enough? To be like those other women who are desirable? Who are worthy and deserving?
Why can't that be me?

I can't help but to go through my history. To work out where things were different. To work out where I went wrong, when or why did I become the person who is "amazing/great/funny/lovely" but not worth anything more?

As much as I say I can take a break from it, work on myself, focus on other things, I am just the kind of person who needs someone else.
I am not ashamed of that.
I'm not ashamed that I feel like I need someone.
Like I am a whole when I have someone beside me.

But fuck.
Right now.
I feel like I have to accept that maybe, maybe that's never going to happen for me.
That maybe I am not destined to be that person.
The one who has happiness with someone else.
That my life is destined to be single and lonely.
And if that's the case then so be it. I'll learn to accept it.
And if it isn't...then I will learn what I have to change about myself, about who and what I am, to be good enough for someone.

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16.6.19

That Girl

I won't be her.
Not anymore.
The girl who is there whenever you need her.
Whenever you are bored and want attention.

You scroll through your contacts.
"Who will reply?"
"Who is guaranteed to be there, temporarily, until I find someone better, or get the attention I want?"

It's her.
Me.
I'm her.

And you know, that 99.9% of the time I will reply.
Because as someone once said, I am "too nice"
And maybe I am a little more vulnerable than I thought. And a little more naive because in that moment I think "maybe they do like me?" "maybe they've decided I'm worth more than just being there when they are bored".

I know the game. I know the words that are used.
I think I am clever and that I won't fall for it....again...but soon enough, there I am.
Again.
Wondering why I not only let someone in again, why I thought that just a conversation with someone actually meant they wondered how I was. How the conversation of "we should go for a drink/watch something together" was genuine and a real invitation and not just an "in the moment" thing.

I won't be her anymore.
I can't do it to myself.
I won't chase anyone for their attention anymore.
I will continue with my rule of not saving numbers or deleting numbers to protect myself from being that girl who is just good enough for an ego boost and nothing else.

I won't be her.
I won't be that girl.


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