28.11.19

I'm not the girl you fall in love with

I remember being sat on Yarmouth beach. Ok Yarmouth has a negative image sometimes but you know what, the beach is beautiful and first thing in the morning, with no one around on a sunny, calm day, it is really lovely.
I'd met the guy I was seeing on the beach. Yarmouth was between where we both lived and we stole an hour or 2 before I started the later shift at work.
I remember feeling quite content, there was drama on his side so it wasn't ever going to be an easy relationship but I was willing to give it a go.
It'd been almost 2 years of being single and I felt ready to give a relationship a go. It was still a novelty to have someone interested in me.
As we sat cuddled on the sand and looked out to sea he told me he loved me. It was soon into the "relationship" but I don't think you can truly determine whether it's too early to love or not. It's not something you have the choice to feel.

Fast forward 3 or 4 weeks and something didn't feel right. The difficulties of the "relationship" were all becoming a bit much. To the point where I said to him, over Facebook messenger of all places, during another conversation about his ex and how tricky things were, that he didn't have to see me anymore if he didn't want to.
"I don't think I do". Was his response.
A coward for not telling me in the first place.
And it was fine. I would have walked away quietly. Until he said "I tried to love you, Lauren".

I didn't need him to tell me he loved me in the first place. I didn't need him to try to love me.
But it was still a punch in the stomach.
Almost the verification that yes, I am not worth love. I am not worth respect.
It was almost confirmation that I was right all along, I wasn't worth a relationship. Just to be there when someone needed me.

I got over it.

I then met someone 5 months later. And this time, during a phone call, he accidentally told me he loved me. And it felt like the hole left of not being loved by my husband and then of not being loved by the guy on the beach, had been filled and patched up.
We had a great year and 3 months together. It had its ups and downs (it seems I tend to go for men who have issues with their ex and need fixing in some shape or form!).
Then all of a sudden.
Nothing.
Ghosted by someone you are in a relationship is worse than being ghosted by a potential on a dating site. Thankfully I knew something was up and was expecting it, again a coward for not being able to break up despite me asking him a couple of times if he was fully in the relationship.
But, another time, proof that I am not worth love. Not worth respect.

And I don't worry about that. I never have. I've only ever worried about my own feelings. Not anyone elses because I know I'm not the girl people have feelings for or fall in love with.
I've accepted it. And that's it. It's ok.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone feel like that for me.
For me to be that person who someone thinks about a lot. To have someone have that moment when they feel, for the first time, that they love me.
To not be called amazing, brave, funny, cute, kind, honest, or cool as a way of avoiding that that's all I ever am and all I ever will be.
The one who is there for a bit. But not for long.
A secret friend.

I spent so long wondering how I can change myself to be that person.
The one worthy of love.
And now I've realised that it's just not who I am supposed to be.

I guess it's hard in some ways because naturally I am a person who loves a lot. I love my friends and people I work with and I'm not afraid to say it. Those moments when you just can't help but to talk to someone or laugh with someone...not romantically...but on a friendship level and just say "awww I love you". I love those moments. I have those moments with people I work with and I find it important to let those feelings out. To let people know.
And I feel jealous sometimes I guess. That those people are worthy of those feelings. They are good enough to have someone feel that of them.

My children love me. My mum loves me. And I know that.
But for anyone else.
I'm not the girl you fall in love with.
It's just not possible.

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